Comedian Erin Conroy

I'm Maturing In Fits And Starts

2011-08-05T09:00:00.000-07:00

I'm officially IN my 30s. No longer 30, but full-on in the decade. Part of me thinks this means it's time to grow up. For real this time, not like when I tried to grow up before but just ended up laying in a ball pit for a few days.

So I'm making "adulty" decisions and doing "adulty" things, in an attempt to seem more mature. I went to see Opera performed in the park last week. Culture! However the part I enjoyed the most was when the microphone shorted out and made a fart noise. Two steps forward, three steps back.

I'm trying to be more proactive in comedy, too. Doing more shows, and when I'm home I'm always working on new stuff. Responsible! However I still have the attention span of a 15 year old, so every hour on the hour I find myself looking up cat videos on the internet and loudly critiquing them to no one.

I'm also trying to cook more at home. I made a casserole for a couple of friends last night and was so overwhelmingly proud of myself that I got soundly housed on cheap corner store wine afterward to celebrate. But I think that might be the very definition of maturity, so nothing needs to change here.

I guess it's a compromise, really. If I balance my checkbook and separate the recycling on a regular basis, then it's not a big deal if I still cartwheel randomly or laugh at words like "unit" and "bosom". Because those are ridiculous words.

In The End Though, Quitters DO Win, Right?

2011-07-15T13:19:00.001-07:00

Gah. Blerg. Barf, and additional displeased onomatopoeia. I have quit smoking!

I am almost a week without cigarettes now, and I can report that everyone around me needs to shut the f*ck up and that the g*ddamned bus moves too g*ddamned slow and that the assh*ole rice I made doesn't look like the sonofab*tch rice on the cover you lying b*stards at Knorr. Suffice it to say, it has been a pretty testy week. I have been a smidge irritable.

I have also had a weird physical side effect, which is a TON of nervous energy. Like, cocaine-level energy. Wait - do people on cocaine have a lot of energy? I wouldn't know because I am a SQUARE. One time in the bathroom of a shitty dive bar in DC a chick doing lines off the sink asked me if I partied, and I was like, "Yeah, duh! All the time! My friend is having a house party tomorrow night, and everyone is bringing a mix tape! Right? Wacky, right?" Ugh - re-telling that makes me want to give myself a swirly.

Anyhoodles, I have had so much energy since quitting and I don't really know what to do with myself. I find myself pacing and muttering a lot, which is definitely a mark in the CON column. "Quitting smoking will greatly reduce your risk of heart and lung disease, but you'll also turn into that weirdo on the subway that no one wants to lock eyes with." Worth it? Also - what in the hell am I supposed to do with my hands now?!?!

It has taken me 42 minutes to write this much because I kept getting up and walking away from the computer. I need to use these new powers for good. What downtrodden people can I help by being constantly in motion? Newton fans? THAT WAS A SCIENCE JOKE. I need a drink.

Twittering

2011-06-17T11:25:00.001-07:00

I'm back on Twitter! I guess, technically, I never left. I just also never posted or followed or really understood the mathematics behind it.

But now I'm committed to tweeting! Far too many opportunities to be embroiled in a congressional sex scandal have passed me by because I wasn't tweeting. No more! You hear me, Leonard Boswell? *over-exaggerated wink*

So follow me if Twitter is something you're into! My handle (Handle? Is that even right?) is @ComicErinConroy. I promise to post nothing of any importance. That is a PROMISE.

So been pretty busy since my last post - trying to get more stage time and writing more. Love letters to Congressman Boswell count, right? I was also in Vegas a couple of weeks ago for a friend's bachelor party. That's right - my trailblazing ass was the only girl invited to a bachelor party in Vegas. I'm pretty much exactly like Susan B. Anthony, what with all the progress I'm making for women's rights. The bachelor party was really laid back - just a lot of gambling and drinking and hanging out at the pool. The most incendiary moment of the weekend might have come when I found the lions in the giant enclosure at the MGM Grand and gave them the finger. I'm living a life with no regrets!!!

"Reality Leaves A Lot To The Imagination"

2011-05-05T10:08:00.000-07:00

That is a quote from John Lennon. Thanks, Google! Oh, and thanks John Lennon.

I was thinking about reality the other day. Not in a grand, existential way pertaining to the meaning of life, or anything. No, I have been preoccupied with a much simpler and more personal questioning of reality. Namely: there are a LOT of movies from my childhood that I've been worried I dreamed up, because no one else seems to know they exist.

Has that ever happened to you? It happens to me ALL THE TIME. Partly because my siblings and I were raised on television, so we've seen a butt-load of movies and TV shows that normal, healthier children may have missed while they were outside playing with friends. I also happen to have a super good memory, so I remember a lot of the movies I've seen (not to mention the books I've read and the murders I've witnessed) very very clearly.

But then when I mention these movie or TV shows to people my age, and I just get a blank stare in return, I start to worry that I imagined them. Even now, at the age of 30, I find myself disappearing into elaborate daydreams that I whip up at the mention of anything remotely intriguing. "Erin, there's donuts in the breakroom..." someone at work will say to me. And then I'm off - probably fighting crime in some dystopian future where donuts eat humans.

So I decided to end the speculation and look these movies up once and for all. It is with great relief that I can report that these movies have in fact been made, and most likely watched by someone other than the Conroy kids:

Unico (1981, 1983)
Oh, these Japanese mind trips! There are two Unico movies that I remember seeing, one was "The Island of Magic" and one was "The Fantastic Adventure of Unico". Between the bizarre storylines (Princess turned into a cat because she was being mouthy? Normal) and the creepy Japanese animation, I was both fascinated and horrified by these movies as a child. And they haunted me well into adulthood - I mean look at this crazy f*ck:
That is Kuruku - some evil wizard thing intent on killing Unico for whatever reason. But you better believe he was in my nightmares for years. Googling his picture just now has left me feeling very uneasy. On to a better movie!

The Halloween That Almost Wasn't (1979)
1979? That's even older than I thought. Anyhoodles, this absolutely perfect made-for-TV special remains one of my favorite things ever. It's got terrible special effects! It's got puns! It's got Judd Hirsch starring as an effeminate Dracula! What else do you NEED?!? The plot revolves around a witch threatening to cancel Halloween by not flying her broom across the moon. OK, because that's ever been a thing anywhere. But all the monsters get together to try and figure out how to save Halloween. Will they succeed in time? Of course. Oh, and that mess wraps up with a disco party.

The Watcher in the Woods (1980)
Oh man, this movie. It was actually a pretty creepy movie, considering it was a Disney "horror" movie. A young woman goes missing, and then 30 years later, a new American family moves into the girl's old English house. What's happening? A haunting? A possession? Something unholy with Bette Davis' hair?!?!The one really lasting effect this movie hand on my family was that the star, Lynn-Holly Johnson, quickly became my sister's favorite actress. Shannon loved her, and joined her fan club and everything. She did some other Disney movie about ice skating, and then some small parts in TV shows and stuff. And then, she just disappeared. For like, 10 years - no movies, no TV, no nothing. Shannon was devastated. And suspicious - she hatched this rambling conspiracy theory that Disney "took care of Lynn-Holly Johnson" because she refused to do any more of their movies. She was adamant - writing letters to the Disney Channel demanding to know what they did with her, threatening to go to the press, etc. Of course, a quick search of imdb.com shows that she is indeed alive and well, and even still acting. Try explaining that to my sister though, who will tell you quite seriously that her letters undoubtedly played a part in Lynn-Holly Johnson's release. Then she will tell you to stop bringing it up, because it embarrasses her and our neighbor's kid's bris isn't the place to talk about it anyways.

Wedlock (1991)
First of all - Wedlock? I could have sworn this movie was called Deadlock. Deadlock would have made more sense - and I'll tell you why. This movie takes place in the prison of the future - where there are no walls, no guards, and NO ESCAPE. Because each inmate is deadlocked (Yeah, this definitely used to be called "Deadlock") to another inmate: they have explosive collars rigged around their necks, and if they and their deadlock partner are separated by more than 100 yards (or whatever), they collars are engaged and they get their damn heads blown off!! It's amazing. It's amazing, and it starred Rutger Hauer, who is also amazing. I don't think I can even properly do this movie justice, so please do be turning your attention to the trailer:

I don't want to say that "IT'LL BLOW YOUR MIND" is the most clever and most appropriate movie tagline of all time, but I don't NOT want to say it either.

Royal Wedding FEVER!

2011-04-29T08:08:00.000-07:00

Two posts in one day. Whoa. WHOA. Relax, neither of them are very good.

So this morning Prince William and Kate Middleton got married, which means that maybe a respite from the non-stop and unnecessary coverage is imminent. I don't care who designed the bridesmaids' dresses or what brooch Camilla will be wearing to the ceremony. I would be interested to hear how drunk Prince Harry got at the reception - what a scamp that Ginger is!

Last night my friends and I got together to enjoy a pre-wedding viewing of the Lifetime original movie "William & Kate", a terribly-acted and ridiculously inaccurate 2 hour tribute to their romance. It was the equivalent of a Sci-Fi Channel original movie - except instead of laughable special effects and C-List actors; there was extreme overacting and terrible British accents. So we got all tipsy and MST3K'd it as best we could. (That's a valid verb now, right? MST3K? I don't care.)

The winner of the night was my friend Kat, who knocked it out of the park with every other comment she made. I can't remember all of them, because of alcohols. But her shining moment came in the closing seconds of the movie. The end scene was the romantic proposal Will made to Kate on the Serengeti at dusk. (Lifetime's version of the Serengeti looked an awful lot like a backyard in Kansas at dusk, but that is neither here nor there)

So Will is proposing, Kate is accepting, and he is putting the ring on her finger. The ring that some of you may remember belonged to his Mother, the late Princess Diana. And in this most tender of moments, Kat busts out with:

"This ring belonged to my Mother. It's lucky...."

Oh man, I couldn't stop laughing at that. Because it's time, right? Isn't it time to start laughing again? It's been 13 years. Laugh or the terrorists win.

Only In New York!!!

2011-04-29T07:38:00.000-07:00

I hate that phrase with a passion. Dummies in NYC use it as a kind of weird declaration whenever something slight cool or slightly terrible happens; as if to convince themselves that the trade-off for living in one of the biggest and therefore toughest cities in the world is the promise of odd happenings in their daily life. Happenings that their relatives in Kansas could never understand, right? LOLz!

For example, one time last summer I was standing waiting for the bus. (Like a BOSS) I happened to be wearing a new dress that I had bought and really liked, and was feeling pretty great. As my bus began to approach, I suddenly realized that directly in front of the bus stop there was a half-full Gatorade bottle lying in the street. The wheels in my distracted brain began to turn, and I started to do the math - could that bus be pulling up directly in line with the Gatorade bottle? And if so, does that mean that I'm lined up perfectly with the -

My brain did not figure this all out fast enough, and the next thing I know, the bus most certainly did roll right on top of the Gatorade bottle. The pressure of the bus exploded the top off the bottle and expelled the entire contents at such a high and fast volume that I don't even think Mr. Wizard would have believed it. ("You LYIN', bitch!", Mr. Wizard would have said.) But I believed it, because every last drop of that Gatorade bottle was emptied directly onto me and my new dress. I stood there absolutely speechless and in shock, as what seemed like the entire population of Manhattan passed by with little smirks on their faces. Only one woman stopped, an elderly well-dressed woman with pearls around her neck. She stopped, looked me up and down with her hands on her hips, and then loudly proclaimed "ONLY IN NEW YORK!!!!!". Then she gave me a wink and carried on her merry way. I wanted to run after her and tackle her and smear my Gatorade soaked hands all over her surgically-enhanced face. Because no, Old Lady - that couldn't have happened "only in New York". A bottle could have been rolled over anywhere in the United States - nay! The WORLD. Unfortunate occurrences aren't exclusive to this city, so stop trying to act like New York is the center of the universe. I hope she got mugged on the way home. Not hurt or anything - but I hope someone stole her pearls.

This phrase popped up again yesterday morning during my commute. I was on the bus in, and all of a sudden a TORRENTIAL downpour started out of nowhere. Without any kind of warning, the bus driver got on the PA system and started singing to everyone. Some original ditty about how the rain doesn't bother him, because tomorrow is Friday, and that's when he sees his girl. It was harmless - if not charming. But then some big galoot turns around to address the whole bus with, "Only in New York, am I right?!?!", and that phrase immediately soured my mood. The guy next to me wasn't impressed with any of it either, because he pulls out his phone to call his wife:

"Hi, it's me. Yeah. Just thought you should know the bus driver is singing to us. No - SINGING. Yeah. And then I got an 'Only in New York'. Yeah. Because you should have DRIVEN ME LIKE I ASKED, that's why I'm telling you."

Haha! Comments like that are only heard ANYWHERE. Anywhere that passive-aggressive marriages are still alive and well.

I Know What Roger Murtagh Was Talking About...

2011-04-06T11:09:00.001-07:00

This past week has seen me in various situations better suited for 23 year old me, rather than 30 year old me. It started last Thursday when my friend and fellow comedian Ryan Conner and I went to see a mutual friend's play. We had been warned by our friend that the play was going to be bad, but this warning proved grossly inaccurate. It was worse than bad, which meant that Ryan and I adored every second of it. We were the assholes in the back row of the theatre drinking booze we snuck in and laughing at everything. Ryan wrote a pretty comprehensive recap of the experience, you should check it out here.

The nonsense continued when my friend Kathriona came in from Ireland for a visit. Kathriona and I were both drunken menaces to society when we lived in DC about 7 years ago. She has since grown up - gotten married, bought a house and had two beautiful kids. On the other hand I have since purchased the entire box set of "Eerie, Indiana", arguably the greatest TV series from the early 90s (Who would ever argue that?), and have every intention of some day watching it:
So obviously, we've both really grown as people. But this time Kathriona came in for a visit without her husband and children, which meant she was sans responsibility for 4 whole days. This in turn meant that she should be spending the majority of those days drinking heavily. And good friend that I am, I decided to join her.

So Friday night we were out until about 3am, which is crazy enough. 3am? That's blurry-infomercial-watching time, not drunken-CVS-shopping time. And what is the appeal of a 24 hour store when you're wasted? I wasn't even looking for snacks or anything fun, I was swaying back and forth in front of their scotch tape selection, wondering aloud how much scotch tape is too much.

Saturday night was even more eventful - after spending a good many hours at a bar in Astoria with friends, Kathriona and I hopped in a cab to meet up with her sister in Sunnyside. The cab ride was only 10 minutes, but it was more than enough time for me to lose my cell phone. At least, I think that's when I lost it. Who knows - I may have thrown it at a lamppost that I thought was disrespecting me, such was my state. So we get to the final bar at around 3:30am, not holding out too much hope that they'd still be serving since bars close at 4am in NYC. Well, it was our lucky (ridiculous) night, because when the bar closed at 4am it did so with us and about 20 other people in it. It was a lock-in, and it was surreal: everyone was smoking (Indoors! Heavens!) and everyone was dancing to some weird European techno and for a solid 6 minutes I was convinced everyone was rolling but me. So we kept drinking and dancing and probably throwing bones; until about 5:15am when I looked around and realized the sun would be coming up soon, and that I had lost my phone, and that there was a gentleman to my right at the bar who kept asking if he could braid my hair. And those were all very good reasons to take my leave.

The next day I suffered through an all-day hangover that seemed to disprove my belief that chanting "liquor before beer, you're in the clear" gives you a free pass on monster headaches.

And then last night I continued my "I'm still young and hip, LOLz and WTF and Spring Break!!" week, when dinner with my friends Doug and Gina turned into bar trivia night. I remembered that no contest is too meaningless for me to get overly-competitive about, something I learned at an early age when I accused my CCD teacher of cheating in a class game of 7-Up. So while I'm telling everyone to listen to me because I know a thing or two about European capitals (I don't) and toys from the 80s (I really do), I am simultaneously shooting down everyone else's suggestions with snide comments like, "What are you, some kind of expert? Some kind of human body expert, Dr. So-and-So? Whatever. You're an anesthesiologist, you don't know shit."

In the end we came in second place, which won us a free round of shots. These free shots helped dull the pain of losing, though not as much as keying the car of one of the guys who won. Or so I would imagine.

What a week. Time to take a break. As Roger Murtagh famously said in Lethal Weapon 2, "I'm gonna die on a toilet, aren't I?"

Wait, what? That doesn't relate to me at all. Fuck you, imdb.com.

Embrace It

2011-03-30T10:10:00.000-07:00

I think I've mentioned before on this blog my brother-in-law Paul's obsession with chinchillas. He is a breeder, and also a member of the National Board of Chinchilla Breeders. What? You didn't know there was such a thing? Oh, there is most definitely such a thing. Don't you feel stupid now.

Anyways - this unhealthy (and some would say "ultimately deadly" (I would say that - just me)) obsession of his dates back to college when my sister got him one as a joke gift. Now the joke's on her! They're married and he has over 200 chinchillas that he raises at their house, and she's allergic! Hahaha! Good joke!

Anyways - my sister sent me a text last night telling me that Paul had just gotten back from another chinchilla show (also real - I'll wait while you pinch yourself....I know, right?!?!?), and had brought with him a large framed charcoal drawing of a chinchilla that he planned to hang over their fireplace. In the main room. Of the house they live in. Where people can see it.

I can't even put into words how delightful I find this news. Something akin to this:
Will be greeting family and friends who come to visit. I told Shannon I was just surprised that he got a charcoal drawing as opposed to a velvet painting, or something that glows when you put a blacklight over it. Although I'm sure it's only a matter of time.

This is good news for me though - because I feel like this picture is the first step down the slippery slope into "That Weird Chinchilla Guy" territory. At which point we can all drop any and all pretense and just start getting him terrible chinchilla-related crap for all birthdays and holidays and anniversaries. Last year for Christmas he got a Wii. This year he will be getting this:
I just hope this adorable tote is big enough to hold all his crazy.

Back in the USSR

2011-03-12T20:16:00.000-08:00

I'm not. I'm back in the U S of A. But every time I called someone after landing back in the US, I found myself singing, "I'm back in the USSR! You don't know how lucky you are!!". Which is weird because #1 - I've never even been to Russia (though I'd love to go - Russia? Are you listening? Roaming Gnome? Someone send me for free. I'll fly coach). And #2 - because I don't particularly care for Paul McCartney songs. Is he the one that sang that? Was he with the Beatles when he did it? I feel like it was a solo effort. Like "Set on You" by George Harrison. Nope - bad example. I loved that Harrison song. Remember the video? Relax, it's right here:

I can remember loving that video as a kid. I desperately wanted a house that could move in time with my various musical whims. I didn't have it you see, our house in Buffalo was just a regular house. I spent hours and hours singing to the walls and clocks and stuffed animal heads to no avail. And then I had to see a "family therapist". Lame.

Anyhoodles, I am back from two weeks in New Zealand. It was amazing, and exhausting. I was only there for so long, and my friend Katy wanted to show me as much of the South Island as possible. This meant a lot of hours in the car and a lot of nights in random hostels along the way. I learned a lot about myself on this trip. For example, I'm way too old to be staying in hostels. Some of them were very nice - and some of them were the hostel we stayed in when we were in Queenstown. We were staying in a room for 6 people that was about the size of my kitchen in my apartment (my kitchen is not big). It was a decent room considering the price and the cleanliness, so whatever. But it was less than ideal thanks to the Benetton ad of roommates we had staying with us. They came home super drunk the one night (they were also early twenties drunk, which means they were insufferable at 5am, whereas I was 30s drunk, which means I made some judgmental comments at 11:45pm and passed out), and the Dutch girl tried to give the British guy a blowjob, while the German guy sat on his bunk eating a hamburger he had left in the room 9 hours before. So all Katy and I heard were weird wet noises and a Deutschland accent crooning, "Oh, Fergburger! I forgot you were here! I love you, burger! I love you!"

Needless to say, we checked out the next day. New Zealand was a great exercise in controlling my neuroses though - because the entire country was crawling in all manner of 6 and 8 legged insects, and the only person who seemed to care was me. Bugs and spiders EVERYWHERE. Every time I went into a public restroom I sang a song to keep myself calm (to the tune of "Der Kommissar"): "Don't look around...uh-oh! There could be spiders in this town...Oh, uh-oh!!!"

We stayed at one of Katy's friends' places one night, and he had left the window open the night before. So I walked in and immediately started smashing every bug that would land on a wall long enough. This guy got pretty upset, telling me (and I quote) "You can't kill EVERYTHING, Erin." I was like, "Whatever, hippie." And then I killed him. J/K! He's fine. You can't prove he's not.

Hooray! We Did It!!!

2011-02-14T18:03:00.000-08:00

Blogger tells me this is my 300th post! 300!!! You can't see it right now, but balloons are dropping from the ceiling in my apartment, and I was just handed a gift certificate to Radio Shack.

I'm leaving for New Zealand in 2 weeks. What? That's crazy. My friend Katy has promised me many delightful adventures and a serious attempt to get a walk-on role in "The Hobbit". I've also decided I'm going to try every ridiculous "extreme" activity I can - cliff diving, white-water rafting...probably something involving those giant hamster balls they used to have on "American Gladiators". I plan on getting grievously injured on this vacation.

I'm so excited for this trip, but I am absolutely dreading the 30 hour flight in Coach class to get there. Normally on a long flight to another country I would just get stupid drunk and pass out, like any proper world traveler. But considering that I'll be flying for over a day, I'm a little worried about waking up hungover and still having 11 hours left on the plane, and not having access to the early 90s sitcoms and Cocoa Krispies I usually rely on to make me feel alive again. I may have to - gasp! - stay sober on this one. Does anyone have any crossword puzzle books I can borrow? You have a word search book? You might as well have nothing. Get that mess out of here.

This Wednesday I am premiering my new monthly comedy showcase at Bar on A on the lower East side. My show is called "Motherboy", and if you don't get the reference then we need to talk. I've been clogging my Facebook feed with reminders about the show for the past week now, and am very much looking forward to the day after the show so I can get back to posting my clever and insightful status updates about pudding and cartoons. But until then - This Wednesday at 8pm! Motherboy: A Fantastic New Monthly Comedy Show!! It's gonna be the best!! Exclamation points!!!!

Overheard in DC

2011-01-30T16:02:00.000-08:00

"Who's tandem NOW, Bitch?!?"
- Said by a guy at a party I was at, after explaining how he would kill his skydiving instructor in mid-air by slitting his throat after they jumped out of the plane, so that he could pull the cord for the parachute.

Good party - great beer, amazing views of DC and just the right amount of sociopaths.

2011, Y'all.

2011-01-16T19:13:00.000-08:00

Is it too late to make resolutions for 2011? Seeing as how we're 16 days in already? Oh, good. Then I'll just keep eating Cap'n Crunch in my pajamas while watching "Criminal Minds" reruns. Because why fix what isn't broken?

I got an iPod for Christmas. Yes, my first iPod ever. (Shutup) I love it - it's amazing and so convenient, and makes me feel significantly less lame when I pull it out of my coat pocket on the bus. Judge me NOW, old lady who gets on at Queens Plaza! You still think you're better than me? Now we both have iPods, but only one of us has two working kidneys. BAM!

It's an iPod Touch, or Nano, or some mess. Which is to say it's freaking TINY. I'm constantly terrified that I'm going to swallow it by accident. I was at the gym the other day (WHAT?!?! Resolutions), and when I almost fell off the elliptical while trying to wipe my face with a towel and keep moving my legs at the same time (hard) I lost my balance and fell forward (because of grace). I must have knocked my iPod off the machine while I was flailing about trying to regain my balance (and humming loudly, so that it looked NATURAL), because 20 minutes later when I was suspiciously eying the ab machine, I realized that the iPod was hanging down around my knees. For 20 minutes I was walking around the gym with an iPod tail, looking way too proud of myself for someone with a face as red as a tomato and wearing a shirt with a grammatical pun on it. I'm starting to think that guy by the free weights wasn't hitting on me, but was spotting me at the drinking fountain.

What was the point of this blog entry? 2011!!! Let's get after it!!!

Tis The Season?

2010-12-14T10:42:00.000-08:00

Have you ever really listened to the lyrics of "Baby It's Cold Outside"? That has got to be the date rape-iest song EVER. She literally asks what he put it her drink at one point. Old time romance!

Merry Christmas!

I'm The Worst

2010-12-09T11:44:00.000-08:00

So I've had really bad shoulder pain for the past couple of days, since I pulled a muscle on my right side. I was complaining about it (loudly and often) at work today, when someone asked me how it happened. I told them that while I was sitting in the writing class I'm taking in the West Village to broaden my horizons, I twisted funny in my chair while leaning back to throw my Starbucks cup out.

It wasn't until I heard myself say it out loud that I realized how wretchedly white, middle-class and privileged an injury that is. I may as well have run into a bag of organic coffee beans at Trader Joe's and stubbed my big toe because I was busy trying to queue up the next episode of "This American Life" on my iPod.

I'm such a douche.

Leslie Nielsen

2010-12-02T12:29:00.001-08:00

Oh man. There are no words to describe how sad I am that Leslie Nielsen has died. Growing up, "Airplane!" was the greatest movie I had ever seen in my entire life. (Now that I'm completely grown up at the age of 86, it remains in my top 5) I also loved "The Naked Gun" movies, and have suffered through a couple of the "Scary Movie" installments just to see his parts.

So when my sister called me on Sunday night to tell me he died, I was devastated. Ugh, he was just the funniest thing I had ever seen when I was a kid, and has remained an object of my adulation ever since.

He was just the best. These are the deleted scenes from the first "Naked Gun" movie. DELETED SCENES - this was the stuff not deemed funny enough:

RIP, Leslie. You were a giant among smaller, less funny men.

Keep It To Yourself, Lady

2010-11-18T14:23:00.000-08:00

I was downstairs in my building at work getting a cup of coffee this afternoon (yeah, yeah - go on! great story so far!) and I overheard the woman behind me talking to her friend. Well, overheard isn't exactly accurate - she was so loud and so close to me, I may as well have been in the conversation.

And she's telling her friend that she got dumped via text message. Good God, that sucks. Total dick move on the guy's part. But then she proceeds to read the text out loud, because privacy be damned! It went something like this:

"I just need you to understand that where I am right now, in my life, I just can't do this anymore. And I know that I'll be crying myself to sleep every night thinking about how I lost you, my angel. But I have to move on - and I have to move on without you."

Not only is that absurdly dramatic (and I assume littered with unnecessary punctuation marks and capitalization), but it was also hilarious. Not because she got dumped - that's terrible, I'm sure she's great, blah blah - but because she must have read it three times, each time getting louder, and her Staten Island accent getting thicker, and her friend inching further away from her. For the guy's sake, I hope he's moving on with his life in another country, because if this girl ever finds him, he's a dead man.

All You Need To Know About My Brother

2010-10-23T10:34:00.000-07:00

My Mom is back in Buffalo this week for the first time in years. She's been catching up with all her friends and co-workers while she's been home, and having a great time.

This past Wednesday, one of her friends threw a big party for her with all the people she went to school with, and worked with and was friends with in attendance. My sister and brother escorted her there.

My brother is 27 years old. He'll be 28 next month. He wore a hat not unlike this one to the party:Is he too old to be grounded? Would it even do any good?

New Orleans

2010-10-08T12:48:00.000-07:00

So I went to New Orleans last weekend. I'm only just now drying out. What a shit show. A bunch of us went down for a surprise party weekend for my friend Mike's 30th birthday. It was a really sweet trip organized by his girlfriend and well-attended by all the friends that love him.

And then we got OBLITERATED. New Orleans, you're so cool! Let's be friends forever! Except I can't see you again for a while because you took all the money out of my wallet and a good 30% of my liver's function. But KIT online, k?

I saw Kermit Ruffins perform! He's on "Treme"! I reminded him that he's on "Treme" by loudly yelling it in his general direction while he was performing. You're welcome, Kermit.

I also got to be a part of the following exchange the morning after a particularly fuzzy night:

Jeremy: Ask Erin, she knows.

Lauren: Hey, was I throwing money at ducks last night?

Erin: (blank stare)

Jeremy: Tell her, Erin.

Lauren: See, I woke up with all this change this morning, and I didn't know where it came from. Then Jeremy told me that we passed a bunch of ducks last night and I wanted to throw bread at them. But I didn't have any bread! But I DID have money, so I decided to give them money, but I only had bills. So I asked a homeless guy to make change so I could feed the ducks, but he only had small change - like pennies and nickels - so I got a LOT of change. And then I was throwing the change at the ducks, but I still have a lot left over. Does that sound right?

Erin: (slowly walks backward into open elevator, presses 'door close' button)

I don't know what struck me as more unsettling - the fact that she was genuinely wondering whether she threw money at ducks the night before, or the fact that I couldn't have told her yes or no even if I wanted to. I had no idea. I had just been told by someone else that I was predicting what numbers would hit at the craps table at the casino for a few hours around 5am. To that I responded, "What? What casino?"

Mean

2010-09-29T08:28:00.001-07:00

I was watching "The Biggest Loser" the other day, because it's a good show and shut up. Anyhoo - it was the premiere episode of the season, and they were having a race to see which two of three potential contestants would actually make it onto the show.

So the three people are running the mile, and right near the finish line the one guy (Cole was his name I think) eats it. Then he gets back up and totally wipes out AGAIN. He took two pretty bad tumbles only a few feet from the end of the race and ended up losing. That sucks, and I feel bad for the guy. They ended up putting him in an ambulance and taking him away.

But then Bob, one of the trainers, used the opportunity to really drive home how serious the American obesity epidemic is. Referencing the poor guy, he addressed the crowd and said (in all seriousness), "Never forget what happened here today. Remember. Remember Cole."

Ahahahaha, what? Relax, Bob. It's not 9/11, a fatty fell down.

I Made My Bed

2010-09-28T13:13:00.001-07:00

So I shall continue to lie in it. The next topic offered up was "the superiority of black cats", from my dear friend Beth. What? I don't know.

Black cats - I don't know what's too "superior" about these unlucky sonsabitches. Although, because of the misfortune that comes attached to black cats, I have witnessed full grown men dance out of their way rather than cross their paths. Which is always humorous.

I suppose we've seen more famous black cats than other colors of cat. That's evidence of their superiority, right? Yeah it is. There was that smart-mouthed black cat on "Sabrina: the Teenage Witch". Remember that show? Even if you don't really remember Melissa Joan Hart and her lazy eye casting spells on the likes of Punky Brewster (college years!), chances are good you kind of remember Salem, the talking cat. I vaguely remember there being a reason there was a talking cat - like he was a powerful warlock once who got imprisoned in the cat's body for some bullshit reason - but who cares? He sat on the counter and made puns and inappropriate sexual advances while his animatronic tail swayed clumsily back and forth. (Sidenote: that previous sentence in it's entirety is what is inscribed on Grover Cleveland's tombstone. I'd like you to prove that it's not.)

There's also the Cat in the Hat - he was a black cat. But you know what? F- that guy. I used to get heartburn as a kid reading that book. This cat comes in, UNINVITED if I remember correctly, to this house with these two unsuspecting kids and proceeds to destroy it. As a child whose OCD was just starting to reveal itself, this movie caused me a lot of stress. Every mess he made nagged at my subconscious, even as he pranced onto the next. I don't care if in the end he made everything ship-shape again, it's the principle of the thing. That's how you thank those kids for letting you in out of the rain? I'd hate to see how he repays a loan. (arson)

Also, thanks to Google I found these Black Cats. And they seem cool too.

(sigh)

2010-09-23T10:33:00.000-07:00

I should have known it would be Tim who thought of a topic first. And I should have been equally confident that said topic would be Manchester United. Crimony. Here goes:

I don't know jack about soccer. Or football, as it's called everywhere else in the world. I do know that when I've worked with the Irish in the past, I've been mercilessly mocked for my pronunciation of the word "soccer". (Anne-Marie, I'm looking at you) It's not my fault, my Buffalo accent comes out loud and clear on some words more than others. You should hear me whine "Oh my God" when drunk. I'm like an extra in "Fargo".

Manchester United - aren't they like the NY Yankees of the Premier League? Like, they buy the best team and win a lot and everyone hates them? I think I heard that somewhere.

When my Mom and my sister and I were traveling through the UK and Ireland, Shannon and I got it into our heads that we wanted to go to a football match. I've never been, and it is something I'd like to experience - if for no other reason than to witness a football brawl firsthand. Because thanks to movies and TV shows, I assume there's at least one knock-down drag-out fight per game. Anyone ever see that documentary "Green Street Hooligans"? Exactly.

So Manchester United wins a lot, right? And didn't Beckham play for them? Which would explain why you see so many of their jerseys over here. The kids love Beckham - with their little faux-hawks, and utter obliviousness to the fact that soccer will get them nowhere in this country. You think you're better than me, kid? You're not better than me - I placed in the WNY All-Catholic Badminton Championships in high school. Oh no, wait - that's why EVERYONE is better than me.

The End.

Who's Still Reading This?

2010-09-21T12:39:00.000-07:00

No blogging excuses - I just haven't been blogging, is all. And I need to blog more.

So! Whoever is still reading this, I am asking for your help: the biggest problem I have with posting is that I can never think of anything of interest to write about. I know that writing about nothing seems to be the POINT of a blog, but I dunno. Instead, I will write about the first thing that someone suggests to me. Leave your topic suggestion as a comment on the most recent blog post, or on my Facebook wall, or in e-mail format. That's a lot of options for the one person who may actually do this, but there you go. Pick a topic, and I will try and write wittily about it. First topic I get, I will write about within 48 hours. Deadlines! They ALWAYS work!!!

Back In The US of A

2010-08-24T13:37:00.001-07:00

Whoa, vacation! I just got back from spending 15 days overseas with my Mom and my sister. We went to Dublin, London and Edinburgh and had a great time. I got to see a lot of friends that I haven't seen in years in Dublin, so that was my favorite leg. Although I did get to see the inside of the Royal Infirmary in Edinburgh after my sister got an eye infection, which was also great.

London was a blur of sight-seeing and me begging for more time to sleep. My Mom has never been overseas before, so there were a lot of things she wanted to see during our trip. Did she need to be first in line to see everything at 7am? Top scientists say no; Mom says yes and then gives you that look that says one more smart-mouthed comment will just break her heart into a million pieces so you better keep your negativity to yourself and get on the bus because we're all going to see Stonehenge, goddammit!

By the way - that bus to Stonehenge? My sister threw up on it. Beer!

So now it's back to work and if I know what's good for me, back to comedy as well. I wrote a few jokes while I was on vacation, I just hope they'll work over here. Get it? That was a converter joke. So just in case you were wondering if I've still got it after 2 weeks away, well - there you go.

(I'm worried too.)

Blog? What Is This, Blog?

2010-07-27T13:05:00.000-07:00

Dip, Beth and Katy were right. It's been a long time since I blogged. Forgiveness, please!!

So random thoughts time! Reason # 4,529,338 why I don't want kids: Movies like "Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore". Commercials for this monstrosity have been playing nonstop while I'm trying to enjoy my grown-up shows, like "Wipeout" and "Spongebob Squarepants". For no good reason, I hate this movie. I hate that it's a sequel, I hate that the dogs and cats are spies, I hate that there are sunglasses EVERYWHERE. The worst thing about this movie, and all movies of it's ilk? Parents who try to convince other sane and rational adults to see them so they feel better about the experience. "It was actually really cute! For adults AND kids! You should see it, there was a lot of grown-up humor." I don't belieeeeeeeve you. None of you. Stop shouting on Facebook that "How To Train Your Dragon" was truly LOLZ, or that "Furry Vengeance" didn't make you want to cut your femoral artery. You sit on a throne of lies.

And shame on you for letting your kids dictate how you spend your hard-earned fandango money. You better believe if I had kids, they'd be going to see what I wanted to see, or they wouldn't be going at all. What's the big deal? Besides, if I take them to see the newest movie in the "Saw" franchise, they learn an important life lesson about lazy filmmaking. And how to sack up and stop being such a wuss, it's so OBVIOUS that's a fake spleen.

Sonofabitch:

Now they're learning to drive - soon there will be no escape. We must take to the skies!!

Who ARE These People?!?

2010-06-11T07:24:00.000-07:00

The people who keep fainting in Subway stations and falling on the tracks. Dude, it happens way more often than it should. It just happened again a few weeks ago. That chick got real real lucky, as ANOTHER Subway Superhero jumped down and positioned her in the space between the tracks so the train didn't crush her. And then he just disappeared. He's like Spiderman, but instead of swinging his way through the streets of NYC, his beat is the filthy Subway system. Geez, what did this guy do to get stuck with the subways? Did he sleep with another Superhero's wife, or piss off the Superhero dispatcher? And now he's doomed to listen to awful subway musicians covering Top 40 songs with their drums and to smell every manner of horrible smell for the rest of his days. It ain't right, I tells ya.

Anyhoo - back to Fainty McGee. I understand that sometimes you just can't help it. The guy who fell a couple of years ago had a seizure. OK, not really much he could have done. But hey, everyone else - use some common sense. If you're feeling weak or light-headed, maybe DON'T stand right at the edge of the platform? Maybe take a seat, or at least step 5 feet back so that when you keel over, you won't be keeling over into the path of the train. Crimony!

I don't know why this bothers me so bad. It just does. Come on, dummies! It's like 100 degrees in the subway - take a seat and a drink of water and stay alive. Are these people as careless in every aspect of their lives? Do they also drink a double dose of Nyquil before shaving? Do they wear necklaces of meat when they're feeding their illegal cougars? How did they get that cougar anyways? That's just irresponsible. Cougars don't like 5 story walk-ups. Oh, their cougar does? My mistake.

Haha! That cougar looks alright!

What were we talking about? Bananas? Ah, yes - bananas. The devil's fruit....

Another Tim To The Rescue

2010-05-20T11:59:00.000-07:00

This time it was my dear friend Timmy-La from my high school days who reminded me that I have a blog. "Oh yeah!" I sez, rememberin' that this was where I put my musin's and whatnot. So thanks for reminding me and inadvertently making me feel great guilt for not updating often enough. Did it make you feel good, Tim? Make you feel like a big man?

Many weeks ago, I was a guest on my friends Ryan Conner and Alan Skontra's podcast, "Caligula's Grotto". They are pretty funny dudes, and every episode they have a comic or two on as guests. I recommend you give the episodes a listen if you get a chance, there's some hilarious shiznit. I think...you can download them on ITunes? For free? I feel like Ryan told me that once. When it comes to technological conversations, I just breathe really shallowly and nod my head and pray for the discussion to end. Because I never have anything to add, and if it goes on too long I inevitably end up asking something laughable like, "So, how do you GET the songs on your IPod? Do you use witchcraft?". And then our friendship is forever altered.

What was I saying? Download the shows. They are good. I'm on episode 2 or 3, and my co-guest is Frank Hong. You will quickly realize how useless I was that episode, as the soundtrack for the entire hour is me trying to stifle my laughter at Frank. Frank Hong remains one of the funniest people I have ever met in my life. For those of you who have had the good fortune to see him perform, you know what I'm talking about. So throughout the entire podcast, I was giggling and chortling at every thing he said or did, or faces he made. It's a shame I only see Frank about once a year - he's like the Aurora Borealis of my friends. Beautiful and mesmerizing, and gone far too soon.

Do the Aurora Borealis only happen once a year? I sure hope so, or else that comparison is shot, and I'll just be so embarassed.

I did a benefit show for my friend's theatre troupe a few weeks back, and did 75% new stuff. It all went over really well and proved to be the kick in the butt I needed to get writing again. So next time you see me on stage, get ready for more puns than you can handle!!! *holds up a door handle* Get it? It might be too high-brow for you. Don't beat yourself up.

I was at a party for a friend a little while back, and I think I may be a little rusty when it comes to flirting. There was a guy there that I had met before and thought was really swell, so we started chatting. It was going fine, until he mentioned he never takes the bus here in the city. Well, apparently I was waiting for an opening all night long, because I just started talking a mile a minute about the bus. The BUS. How easy it is to figure out the bus schedule, how pleasant the rides can be, how the "Bus Only" lanes make for faster travel time than you would guess - etc etc. I think I went on about the bus for 20 minutes. Why??! I have to assume it was nerves or booze or a combination of the two - but I grabbed a hold of that topic and shook it until it lay lifeless and horrible in between the two of us. It was unpretty. I think at one point he even asked me if I worked for the MTA. Holy crap - that's awful.

Anyways....know any single bus drivers?

If Only They Hadn't Blurred His Number...

2010-05-07T12:37:00.001-07:00

I might have been able to finally find love.

The Humpty Dance

2010-04-14T12:25:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to a "90s Hits" radio station. And yes indeed, it is as magical as it sounds. One second you're listening to TLC, the next second you're reminded with a shudder that Limp Bizkit was really popular in the 90s. Sunrise, sunset.

"The Humpty Dance" just started. This song kicks all kinds of ass, and that is an irrefutable fact. But I did not know that the name of the album it comes from is "Sex Packets". "Sex Packets". Are you wondering if the album cover sheds any light on these mysterious "sex packets"? Of course the album does:I don't know why I find this as funny as I do. Is it the Zebra hat? The glow-in-the-dark/radioactive condom from the future? Or the way the rest of the group is both respectful and wary of the future condom/zebra hat combination. How much awesome is too much awesome? Zebra hat knows. And he's not telling.

"Sex packets" would be an awesome name for a brand of snack cake.

AWESOME.

2010-04-08T13:11:00.001-07:00

Crowded House is coming back to NYC for 3 nights of shows!!! This news makes me happier than this picture, and that's saying a lot. (Because this picture is amazing):

The Interwebs Be Crazy

2010-03-30T10:32:00.000-07:00

So I've had a "website" for about 5 or 6 years now. I put that in quotations, because if anyone reading this has ever been to my website, they know that it hasn't been updated once since it was created, and there's slim to no information on it. There IS a picture of Darth Vader doing something unclean, but that's about it. I need to stop paying for this website since I do nothing with it, and because I wouldn't know how to if I wanted. So I've been e-mailing the domain provider (I think) and writing in all caps about how I just want to cancel all of it. That'll work, right? Writing things like, "JUST SHUT IT DOWN. SHUT IT ALL DOWN - THANKS LOLZ" should probably get results.

Then I will restart with a new website that I will be able to update and improve upon at my leisure. Excelsior! It will be so great, you don't even KNOW how great it'll be. I mean, I have to be able to figure something out, my friend Tim put together an entire website about his wedding the other day, and I can't be outdone by him. Not this time. Not again.

Oh yeah - a HUGE CONGRATULATIONS goes out to one of my oldest and dearest friends Tim on his engagement to the awesome Lisa!! She's the best, and it was about time he locked that down. Marriage!!

That brings me to 3 weddings this year. Whoa. Marriage. That means within the next 2 years I'll be going to a mess of baby showers, and pushing out-dated toys from my childhood on uncomfortable parents-to-be. "Well, why WOULDN'T your baby like a Popple? One second it's a stuffed animal, and then....BAM! It's a soccer ball!!! Yes, a soccer ball with ears and hands - I don't know, making the Popple into a ball isn't an exact science. But I'll tell you what it IS - fun. A lot of fun. What, is your baby too good? Too good for Popples? Oh really? Well, then your baby is an asshole. Someone had to say it. Good luck with everything - jerks."

The Two Coreys - 1 Corey = :(

2010-03-11T11:08:00.001-08:00

If you're one of the maybe 2 people who read this blog regularly, you'll know that I've mentioned the Supernova of awesome that was A&E's "reality" show "The Two Coreys" before. Oh man - the two Coreys together - being emotional and awkward and waaaaay too demanding considering that it was 2007 and they were Coreys. Beautiful.

But now the dream of another season has been destroyed, as we've lost one of our Coreys. Corey Haim passed away yesterday, and I'm pretty sad. I know he hadn't done much lately (lately = the past 15 years), but he was in "The Lost Boys", man. And that movie was the shit.

So farewell, Corey. You're already missed.

Hola

2010-03-05T11:59:00.000-08:00

I have written in a while, and I'm sorry about that. Here, please accept this awesome video as my penance:

All better? I thought so.

So I went to Portugal last month - Lisbon, to be more specific. It was awesome and amazing and I have no proof of that to show you, because my sister took all the pictures and she has yet to upload any of them. I'm sorry. Please accept this picture as additional penance for you by me:

Anyhoo - I am getting back into a more regular stand-up schedule to work on my new stuff. Which is great news, because I can only tell jokes about how black guys be dancin' different than white guys at the club so many times before I'm sick of it. Time to move onto jokes about how women love to shop and hate when you leave the toilet seat up! Ha! Lolz!

Italian Wedding Soup, Bitches

2010-02-04T14:12:00.001-08:00

A friend of mine was just talking about a few people that she doesn't care for, and declared, "I think they should all just get together...and eat SOUP!" Naturally, I just stood silently waiting for an explanation. She elaborated - "I hate soup". Ahhh. Of course.

So it's been a while since I've blogged - and that makes me a jerk. I'd like to thank Danielle (SHA Class of '98, represent!) for mentioning my blog and reminding me it existed. Coincidentally, I'd also like to thank Isaac Asimov for reminding me that the laws of robotics exist, and for very good reasons. Back to the drawing board, Tik Tok 2.0. Vengeance will still be ours....

(He's hiding in the trees outside your house RIGHT NOW)

So what's up? How's 2010 treating you? I rang in the New Year back in Buffalo with my sister and my friend Katy.

To be more specific (I know you love details!) we were in the town of Akron, NY. Akron isn't a huge town, and there is a lot of open space and farmland. So needless to say I was interested in what kind of New Year's celebration they put together.

We went to the main town square and joined the masses. As the countdown began, I caught a glimpse of the "ball" that was dropping. It was an empty oil container that someone had covered in lights, and it was being lowered by a crane until it was parallel to a sign that read "2010" and looked like it was cut out of construction paper. Don't believe me? Here's the end result, and the first few moments of 2010 CAUGHT ON TAPE:

So, in summation: Best. New Year's. EVER.

So I Saw "Avatar" Yesterday...

2010-01-11T10:52:00.000-08:00

Meh. Didn't change my game. Settle down, James Cameron.

Happy 2010! I just got a laptop. Shit is going DOWN.

Drunk 4-Year Old Steals Christmas

2009-12-18T07:22:00.000-08:00

That was the title of this story out of Tennessee. And I don't pretend to know everything about comedy, but that is the single greatest headline I've ever read in my entire life. Also, the little boy was wearing a neighbor's Christmas dress. Awesome. Also, this is a picture of him:

I know, man - the holidays, amirite? Sometimes you just need a beer and some cross-dressing to try and unwind from it all.

Yikes

2009-12-10T12:41:00.000-08:00

So my friend Ryan called me at work today to ask my opinion on something he wrote. Ryan and I have been friends for years, and have a few nonsensical jokes that we call back at random times, like "French Fries".

This is my side of the conversation from today, which anyone walking past my cubicle could have overheard:

"What's up French Fries?.....You want me to pick one?.....The morning-after pill.....Yeah, no question. OK, Bye."

Take A Look, It's In A Book...

2009-12-09T10:14:00.001-08:00

Once a week, I participate in a program where I go to an NYC public school and read with a student. It's a great thing - you get to foster a desire to read in a young kid and be a sort of mentor to them at the same time. Plus, it's an excuse to read all the books you loved as a kid again. I have been pushing "Pippi Longstocking" and "Bunnicula" on my buddy for quite some time. READ WHAT I READ!!!

Today I showed up in the classroom where we read, and there was a list on an easel left from the class before. The list was of famous people, and they were: Barack Obama, Hilary Clinton, Helen Keller, Adolf Hitler and Martin Luther King, Jr.

Ummmm.....what? "One of these things is not like the other, one of these things is not the same...."

Oink Oink

2009-11-24T14:19:00.000-08:00

So last week I realized I was tired of sitting around just waiting to experience the very real joy of the H1N1 Virus (Swine Flu to those of you still convinced that pigs are the next "Outbreak" monkey). So I went ahead and got H1N1. And it was marvelous. What have you been up to? Typhoid? That's ridiculous. No one care about typhoid.

Being home sick affords so many opportunities that I never take advantage of. I could catch up on reading, or my Netflix queue, or my various ransom notes. But instead, I spend 3 days breathing shallowly and watching reruns of "Fresh Prince". There's something strangely comforting about Carlton getting bitch-slapped by Will at the end of a tidy 30 minutes. Oh Carlton! The blazers! They're awful!!

My recovery has been rather fortuitously timed, as I fly down to Florida tomorrow to spend Thanksgiving with my Mom. More frequent blogs when I return. I promise, T.T.

Do You Like Things That Are Wonderful?

2009-11-03T08:11:00.000-08:00

Then feast your eyes on this picture:

Hahahahaha. I know, right? Anyway - get your vote on today! Democracy - not just for dorks!

Halloween

2009-10-26T12:10:00.000-07:00

Halloween is around the corner, and as usual I am scrambling for costume ideas at the last minute. I've been thinking nonstop, and just recently told someone, "Where do you shop? That would be a perfect costume!!!" Which, not surprisingly, they took as an insult. It was actually a compliment, as the character I was thinking of always dressed well. However since this person couldn't read my mind, she was offended and I was left to sputter after her, "Except...noooo! That's soooo good! It's a good thing, not like if I wanted to dress like a Catholic School whore or anything!! Because then you know who'd I'd be asking for clothes ideas! Ha! Right? Am I right??? Because she's a skank!!!"

These are not things I'd recommend yelling after someone who is walking away from you. It makes you look odd.

Checking In

2009-10-09T13:35:00.000-07:00

I survived my wisdom tooth extraction, so everyone can breathe easy. But good gravy, you really cannot be prepared for how unpleasant that experience is. It's been a week and I'm still terrified of solid foods and straws. Dry sockets! Dry sockets are worse than murder! Worse than MURDER!!!

What are you doing this long weekend? Are you apple picking upstate? Oh no - that's me. Want me to get you a pumpkin? Or one of those asshole gourds that people give as terrible presents for some reason? God, those things are just awful. Look at 'em:
Seriously, gourds. Thanks for showing up.

Light A Candle

2009-09-30T10:14:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow I'm going under the knife. Or, more accurately - the drill. I'm having my wisdom teeth removed! Hooray!! Stop being so jealous of my extra-curricular activities.

In preparation for this delightful event, I have filled the 4 prescriptions the doctor gave me (4!!!), and bought as many mushy foods as I could find within a 2-block radius of my apartment. My laziness will undoubtedly come back to bite me in the ass as I enjoy my third meal of applesauce and tomato soup.

Because I'm being knocked out for the extraction, I had to promise to have a friend who would be able to come get me at the doctor's office and take me home. This policy is to ensure the safe travels of the patients - in theory. Though I'm sure it has more to do with a desire to not have a waiting room full of half-drugged patients coming out of the haze and demanding to know where their childhood pet is or insisting that they can fly.

My dear friend Dani will be picking me up and escorting me home tomorrow, and I will try to be extra crazy to make it worth her while. I'll be filling my pockets with confetti and silly string and memorizing all of Michael Douglas' lines from "Falling Down".

Important

2009-09-24T14:20:00.000-07:00

3 words: Lost. Boys. Three.:

“When veteran vampire hunter Edgar Frog [Corey Feldman] finds himself destitute and almost friendless, he thinks his life has hit bottom - but wealthy vampire-romance novelist Gwen Liebling offers him a small fortune to go on the vampire hunt of a lifetime and rescue her son Peter from the Alpha Vampire D.J. Dusk. With the help of his friends Zoe, Lars and Blake, Edgar heads into a bloody battle to exterminate evil.” [via Bloody-Disgusting]

Ahahahaha. Yessssss.

Don't Sugarcoat It

2009-09-23T14:26:00.000-07:00

Listen - I think pandas are as adorable as the next gal. But that didn't stop me from being tickled pink by an article I read today that had the following quote from a naturalist - a naturalist mind you!:

"Here's a species that, of its own accord, has gone down an evolutionary cul-de-sac...I reckon we should pull the plug. Let them go, with a degree of dignity ..."

Ahahahaha. Let's all pull the plug on pandas. Just like that - millions of poster campaigns and interminable TV spots will be for naught. I'm all for quitting on a species and spending our hard-earned jars of change elsewhere, but I'd give up on koalas before pandas. Are koalas even endangered? They should be. They're all riddled with chlamydia, the skanks. And we wonder why all our teen girls are getting pregnant?

Hmmm? No, it's directly related.

And Now With Her Intelligent Response, Erin

2009-09-09T18:07:00.000-07:00

So Obama just finished his address on healthcare, and the wrap-up and analysis has begun. My Mom called to ask me this very relevant question: What is it about George Stephanopoulos that bothers her so much?

I told her that it's probably because he looks like a would-be rapist. The kind of rapist who follows you out of the coffee shop, and down the street, and when you turn around to let him pass he says something like "How weird - you must be going to the library too!", but you know better. Nice haircut, jerk.

B*tches Be Crazy

2009-08-26T13:50:00.000-07:00

Sorry there haven't been blogs for a while - but with good cause. My Mom was in town, and I was squiring her all over NYC and Annapolis for a few days. We had a great week - and I woke up earlier than on any other vacation I have ever taken in my life. Because my Mom thinks waking up past 8am is wasting her entire day. So I would make the mistake of getting up at 6:30am to use the facilities, and when I got out of the bathroom she would be standing in front of me saying, "Well, since you're already up...", and I would be whisked out of my apartment at some ungodly hour. But it worked out well, because I got to spend the extra time sweating to death on the streets of NYC. This city is an absolute nightmare in the summer, and no Mr. Frosty - you're not helping.

Today my friends Kathriona and Ger arrive!!! Yay!!!! Haven't seen them in...2 years? Dang. Excitement! They are flying in from Dublin to attend the Buffalo Irish Festival this weekend. Which is awesome for me and all Conroys, and ridiculous for them.

More details on both visits soon. In the meantime, whoa. This video is hilarious and terrifying at the same time. Bitches be crazy:

Dance Magic Dance

2009-08-13T13:58:00.000-07:00

I know you're not going to believe this, but there were movies made before "Labyrinth". The art of filmmaking existed, though it was of course flawed and struggling until the celluloid perfection that is "Labyrinth" was created. Behold! Some of it's puppet-stringed glory!:
So imagine my shock and disbelief when someone told me the other day that the wonderfully recognizable nonsense exchange between David Bowie and muppet was lifted from a Cary Grant movie!! Behold a second time!:

The Quote starts quickly and ends 20 seconds in. But don't let that stop you from enjoying the song and dance afterwards. And now, the clip from the Cary Grant movie:

The quote doesn't start until 1:53 in that one, and I suggest you fast-forward to it unless you like your movies black-and-white and your "Gee Whiz!"s earnest.

Isn't that crazy? Nearly the exact same dialogue. What other secrets lay hidden within the Labyrinth? Besides a way to the Goblin Castle, I mean.

What A Week

2009-08-06T14:35:00.000-07:00

I cannot wait for this week to be over. Not just because my bestie Melissa is coming into NYC for the weekend, but also because it has just been a monster of a week. The one bright spot was the Mets game I attended with some friends on Tuesday. It was a highlight because we had beer and hot dogs and fun, NOT because of the Mets. They stink on ice.

We were sitting in the "Promenade" section at the new Shea Stadium (F- off, Citibank), which is a fancy name for the nosebleeds. You can still see almost the entire field, so they're not bad seats at all. However we were fairly certain that the altitude was getting to us, because the most ridiculous things were appearing hilarious to us. For example, there was an advertisement over center field for a Planter's Peanuts "Nut Bar". I think I blacked out I was laughing so hard.

Also, we were surrounded by a group of fiercely outspoken preteen boys. These young-uns were hollering important advice ("David Wright! Hit a home run!!") as well as ego-shattering taunts ("Throw the ball, don't scratch your balls!"). I felt like we were one poorly-organized chant away from total chaos.

You know who else made me feel old this week? The kid from Best Buy who helped me buy a mouse yesterday. I told him what kind of computer I had, and that I was having some trouble connecting to the internet*, and he nearly threw up all over me with disgust. "Lady! You've gotta UPGRADE! That computer is so oooold. You need to upgrade, seriously Lady. I can't believe you even wanna buy a new mouse for it, it's so old!"...etc. etc. I just stood there, eyes narrowed and imagining what it would be like to murder him and steal his youth to better stymie the crippling effects of age. I don't think I've ever been seriously called "Lady" in my entire life. It's worse than "maam" in my opinion, because it carries with it some very outdated and Southern connotations. Like this Best Buy rep thought I should be in a rocking chair on a porch somewhere talking about my preferred sweet tea recipe and saying "I do declare!" every time a young passerby didn't lift his hat when he walked by.

What's that? Why yes, I do get most of my stereotypes from cartoons.

* Yeah- when I have internet troubles, my first thought is "it must be the mouse". That's how computer-savvy I am. Shut up and eat your sloppy joe.

Dedication

2009-07-30T09:52:00.000-07:00

I have not had it with regards to blogging lately, which is lame.

This guy has it in spades with regards to a local political candidiate, which is amazing:

He just keeps going! He just keeps booing! AND he has absurd mutton chops. I love him a lot. What could this candidate possibly have done to deserve such ire from this dirty gentleman?

"Booooo! Your platform doesn't address the severe shortage of titty bars in the neighborhood! Boooo! Why do I have to wait until noon on Sunday to buy my rotgut? Booooo! Bring back Crystal Pepsi, college boy! Boooooooooo!!!!"

All Day Long

2009-07-17T14:01:00.000-07:00

That's how long I've been laughing at this, in case you were wondering:

Some Things That Made Me Roll My Eyes This Week:

2009-07-14T13:24:00.000-07:00

"Entourage"

Sarah Palin

This dude in a pink polo shirt and straw fedora: "This is how New York DO!" (obviously an "Entourage" fan)

The fact that I'm still on Twitter. What in the hell am I doing on Twitter?

A conversation that began with the sentence, "I read a really interesting article in the Times about whale-human communities..."

Hippies

Inappropriate?

2009-07-06T13:26:00.000-07:00

I was back in Buffalo this weekend for the 4th. All weekend long, my sister saw fit to regale me with the details of the 4 different New Kids on the Block concerts she's been to in the past month. And when she wasn't talking about everything that happened at the concerts she went to, she was wondering aloud what happened at all the concerts she didn't get to see. This led to her chastising herself for picking frivolous things like paying bills over picking up and going to another concert in another state. If only she hadn't gotten that dental work done - she could have gone to the Michigan concert!!!! Her increasingly ridiculous thought process resulted in my making the following observation:

"You're like the Oskar Schindler of New Kids on the Block concerts."

She didn't laugh, but I did. And that's the greatest love of all.

Whoa - Easy There, Celebrity Deaths

2009-06-30T12:39:00.000-07:00

So....yeah. The past week has been like a celebrity death free-for-all, and I'm a little hesitant to assume we're out of the woods yet. Which is why I have locked Leslie Nielsen in an airless chamber below my apartment building for safekeeping. The cold hands of death can't reach you when you're six feet underground, Drebin! HaHa! You can thank me Friday night when I bring you food.

Michael Jackson was a total shock to me, and I'm not really sure why. It's not like he was a great example of a healthy and responsible way to live your life or anything. I guess he was just the first icon from my generation to kick it, and it seems surreal that he isn't still out there buying exotic animals to keep at his house and fashionable gas masks to wear out. So weird.

What's that? You're wondering what my favorite Michael Jackson song is? Dunno - too many to pick from. Favorite music video? Easy:

I heart whales who form friendships. Don't act like you don't, I'll just call you a liar.

Ahahahaha, You Suck

2009-06-22T10:40:00.000-07:00

I stepped into the elevator at my office building this afternoon next to some random dude. The doors began to close, and then some other dude comes running up and decides that our elevator may be the last elevator he will ever have the opportunity to ride, and he is obviously distressed. He lunges towards us and swings his lunch bag in between the closing doors - and Eureka! The doors close almost completely, but his lunch triggered the motion sensor or whatever, and they opened back up, granting this genius entrance. Huzzah! He had bested the machine!!

Then he remembered that he got soup for lunch - and that said soup was not packaged in a steel thermos of any kind. He looked down slowly to confirm that the container had indeed exploded when thrust between the elevator doors, and that he was presently covering the elevator floor with split pea soup. He said, and I quote:

"Probably not my best idea..."

Sometimes Mondays aren't so bad.

Big Doings

2009-06-10T12:03:00.000-07:00

When did I last post? I don't even know. So I've been doing sh*t recently. 2 weekends ago I was in the much-maligned Jersey City helping my friends Ryan and Quincy (AKA Crucial Element) film some stuff. You know - webisodes, because they're like episodes for a TV show, but they go on the web. Ha! Webisode! That's a really clever portmanteau! What will the interwebs think of next? LOLOLOLOL!

Then last weekend I decided to dust-off my falsetto voice and knowledge of Nickelodeon TV shows and get to babysitting. My friend Karen asked me to watch her daughter for the day while she and the husband got out of the house, and I happily agreed - because her daughter reminds me of Ramona Quimby both in looks and in propensity for mischief. And I loved those books as a kid. However I think I underestimated the mischief part, because I spent the better part of 8 hours trying to keep up with the most energetic and crafty little 3 year old EVER. I would turn my back for no less than 5 seconds and things would end up in the pool, or covered with chalk or bubbles, and she would be tearing around the backyard in her birthday suit. The monkey business happened so quickly, that I haven't completely ruled out that she's a tiny wizard.

Last week a couple of friends and I decided to check out the newest Beer Garden in Queens. I am nuts about Beer Gardens. There's something about being able to drink outdoors - even if it's on a knotty picnic table in a crowded square - that I find immensely appealing. Maybe it's because I can drink and smoke at the same time. Maybe it's because there are slim to no douchebags or skanks present when the rain threatens to mess up their hair. Or maybe it's just because it's the closest I can get to camping without actually putting myself in harm's way, AKA Bear Country USA.

While we were at the newest Beer Garden last week, one of the dudes from "Rescue Me" walked in. I don't know which one because I don't watch that show. (Yet! Relax, I'll Netflix it.) But I recognized him from his stint on "30 Rock" as Liz Lemon's ex Dennis Duffy, and that tickled me. What is the point of this story? The guy who plays Dennis Duffy has an extremely large forehead. And the bratwursts at the Beer Garden are delicious. Don't think those two facts have anything to do with each other? You're exactly right.

I'm going to see New Kids on the Block this weekend with my sister. She splurged and got us these "Meet-and-Greet" tickets that admit us to a Super Exclusive BBQ. A BBQ so exclusive, that only people who are also willing to spend obscene amounts of money will have access to it. There will be delicious food AND the chance to meet NKOTB face-to-face. That's literally what every girl on the planet wants most in this world. It's not a family of her own, or world peace - it's ribs and hugging Joey McIntyre.

Cut It Out, Hollywood

2009-06-03T11:55:00.000-07:00

Alright, it's high time I finish my screenplay about a magic black belt that turns whoever wears it into a karate expert and one kid from a bad neighborhood with seemingly nothing left to lose gets a hold of it and at first the karate skills go to his head but then he realizes that the greatest power of all is that of friendship and he passes the black belt on to the next kid with an endearing backstory - with a soundtrack provided by Paramore and Bow Wow.

Wanna know why? Because even the most asinine and weak original stories should be considered a breath of fresh air, when you look at all the remakes and sequels Hollywood is churning out at top speed. The Neverending Story, Flight of the Navigator, Red Dawn - not to mention all the movies coming out based on toys and games.

And now this:
http://www.iwatchstuff.com/2009/06/heathers_2_moving_forward_with.php

And it makes me sad all day. Do what you must to "Footloose", but leave "Heathers" out of it. Jerks.

Jury Duty is NOT Fun

2009-05-28T14:15:00.000-07:00

So Jury Duty was a colossal pain in the ass last week. Got picked for a jury after spending 6 hours in the jury pool watching "The Price is Right" and "Home Improvement". And if being trapped in a room full of coughing and sneezing strangers, with a vending machine that only sells Pop Tarts, Tim Allen on 14 different TV screens and a ban on cell phones and Blackberrys doesn't make you want to find someone - ANYONE - and convict them of a serious crime, well...then you're a better person than me.

Also - maybe I was just raised in an old-fashioned household, but I was under the impression you should be dressing up to go to court. Or at least - not dressing like you just finished riding the rails and are looking for your next can of beans. Seriously - there were women in see-through shirts and stripper heels, dudes in raggedy old sweatshirts and jeans with holes in them...it was so bizarre. It was like "Hee Haw" met "Pimps Up, Hos Down" and together they beat the crap out of "Law & Order". Did that make any sense? I don't care if it did, because it just put the hilarious image of 2 TVs with legs kicking a 3rd TV with legs who is huddled on the ground in the fetal position into my head. That can't happen! That's absurd!!

Apple Jacks is a subpar cereal, everyone. Don't be fooled by how delicious the first 2 or 3 bites are. Eventually you will be eating a bowl of soggy circles, and every now and then you'll bite down on one that is hard as cement for no discernible reason and it will ruin your whole morning.

My recent Apple Jacks purchase was borne of necessity rather than preference. I turned down the cereal aisle at my local grocery store and saw that two gentlemen were there having an argument. Which didn't bother me at first, but then guy #1 tells guy #2 that he DOES love him, and that he'll tell them when he's good and ready, and guy #2 looks like he's going to cry. This is when I realize that I am intruding on an extremely personal and important conversation and I'm absolutely mortified. I didn't want to just turn on my heel and leave, so I feigned interest in the Count Chocula for 10 more seconds and then grabbed the first box I could reach. Apple Jacks. Dammit.

Come to think of it - that's eerily similar to how I ended up with half of my shoes and my copy of "Dude, Where's My Car?".

Blogging is Hard

2009-05-18T14:22:00.000-07:00

Except not at all. I'm just lazy. I have jury duty tomorrow - that will inevitably result in hilarity I can report on....right? Riiiiight. So tune in again on Wednesday.

And in the meantime, enjoy this:

Liviiiiing Siiingle (oooh in a 90s kind of world, I'm glad I got my girls!....)

2009-05-05T12:24:00.000-07:00

As I wrote about in a previous blog, sometimes it's less than spectacular living alone. Not often, mind you - but sometimes. Like when you're smack in the middle of a "Designing Women" marathon, and there's no one around who can run to the corner store and get you an Orange Bud Bar. Oh man that sucks. Or when you need someone to keep watch as you're trying to discreetly empty all the beer cans and liquor bottles you've left too long into the communal garbage/recycling closet. It's much easier to continue living in your apartment building when your neighbors don't think you're a fall-down drunk with a penchant for dark rum and weeping softly.

Another time it's good to have someone else in your apartment is when minor repairs need to be made. Because two heads are better than one, and an extra set of hands could have been held up to stop me from entering the bathroom with the idea that I would caulk the bathtub myself, thank you very much.

Two nights ago, the batteries in my carbon monoxide detector died around 4am. (They never die during the day, do they? DO THEY?!?!) This resulted in that blood-curdling and shrill beep to sound out every 30 seconds, alerting me to both the battery situation and my heretofore unknown fear of carbon monoxide alarms.

After an unecessarily long struggle to get the alarm open and the batteries out - which was periodically broken up by both my cursing the inventor of these alert systems and my collapsing on the floor to wail about the terrible hand in life I had been dealt (it was all very dramatic) - I got three new AAs and crammed them in. At which point the alarm started beeping in long and loud sequences of three with only a 2 second break in between. I don't know what I did; whether I pressed Test/Reset the first time but not the second time, whether I pressed it 2 times when you only need to press it once, or whether I had angered mighty Podaga while tending to my fields.

Long story short, I have removed all the batteries from the detector so as to get some peace and quiet. However, the whole experience (which lasted maybe 4 minutes total) has me completely on edge in my apartment. I keep waiting for the detector to go off again, as I rock back and forth on the floor...almost willing it to happen as I slowly go mad. It's pretty much exactly like "The Raven" except more intense and also I'm drinking a lot of dark rum.

Awesome

2009-05-01T13:31:00.000-07:00

This website will make you feel better about every bender you've ever had:

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

One Day At A Time

2009-04-30T12:44:00.000-07:00

The Rangers were ousted from the Stanley Cup Playoffs (Round ONE! %#*@#&#%) on Tuesday night. And now I'm focusing on healing. I'm healing. Things will be better next year, right? Right. Next year. Everything will be coming up Milhouse next year.

In the meantime, I'm finding it very therapeutic to laugh at others. First up? Cleveland:

And then this one:

God, I feel better already.

Fun

2009-04-24T13:15:00.000-07:00

My friend Ryan Conner and I have started playing a new super-fun game. It's called "Hipster, Asian or Asian Hipster".

Here's how you play (it helps if you're in NYC) - you see someone on the street or in the Subway who is dressed so hilariously/ridiculously/disgustingly absurd, that you are torn between wanting to laugh in their face or punch them repeatedly in the stomach for looking so retarded on purpose. Then, you text all the components of their outfit to whomever you're playing with. Then - they have to guess if that walking affront to all that is pure and true is A.) A hipster, B.) An Asian or C.) An Asian hipster. Oooooh! It's fun! For example, this morning I sent Ryan the following description:

"Green and yellow hair, horn-rimmed glasses, large plaid coat and galoshes over black jeans."

Hipster!!!! Oh, we DO have fun.

Here Comes The Friend-Ship, Sailing YOUR Way!

2009-04-22T13:20:00.000-07:00

So my friends have been kicking a little arse lately, and shame on me for not mentioning it. First - the marathoners:

My friends Sara and Matt have recently finished the Rome and Boston Marathons, respectively. Which is unbelievably impressive to me, as I probably couldn't be in worse shape right now if I ate butter lambs all day long. 26.2 miles is no easy feat, and they each also raised money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, and for Habitat for Humanity. I couldn't be prouder of them. Congratulations Matty and Hooch!!!!

This past weekend there was a surprise party for my friend Tim, and so a bunch of my friends from college and I made our way to Danbury, CT to celebrate. As usual, it was awesome to see these guys, as it's usually only once or twice a year that most of us can get together. While at the party, my friend Townley and his girlfriend Lisa asked me if I thought it was appropriate to use the phrase "vag juice" on a first date. Allegedly Lisa said it on her first date with Townley, and while it obviously didn't have any adverse effect on their future as a couple, he maintained that it's a pretty ridiculous thing to say to someone you just met. I would argue that it's just as unwelcome at a friend's 30th birthday party, surrounded by said friend's family and coworkers. But I digress.

The reason I'm delighted that Townley and Lisa brought the whole thing up? "Vag Juice" of course left me trying to think of a suitable male equivalent, and I landed on "penis brittle". Which, for obvious (and infantile) reasons, has tickled me greatly for 4 days straight now. Penis brittle. God, that's good.

But all the hilarious puns in the world cannot protect us from the incendiary views of the newest incarnation of Jerry Falwell. Hold me:

Wow. That baby has some really strong opinions on gays and foreigners.

Finally

2009-04-15T13:30:00.000-07:00

It had to be done eventually, my friend Ryan and I are just mad that we weren't the ones to do it. Please do enjoy.

So I was at the Dave Matthews Band concert at Madison Square Garden last night, and it's becoming increasingly obvious that I don't fit in at Dave Matthews Band concerts. First of all - the smell of weed turns my stomach. It just does. I'm a pansy that way - but I've only ever smoked 3 times in my life,and each time was a bit of a disaster. 2 of those times resulted in me throwing up, and the last time resulted in my freaking out at a Northern Virginia IHOP and then sleeping for 13 hours. I guess it's just not for me. (Or else I'm an uber-square. Take your pick)

So of course within the first 5 minutes after Dave Matthews appeared onstage the entirety of the Garden was encased in a thick cloud of smoke and - more alarmingly - hippies. Everywhere I looked there were people dancing in the aisles to some rhythm that didn't match up with the song, and there was a girl seated behind us who had a crown on her head. A crown. How did that happen? Was she about to head out the door to head to the concert when she stopped and thought, "I'm almost ready....one more accessory should do it..." Moron.

Dave Matthews also tends to "jam" a lot. They'll finish their song, or what I know their song to be, but that won't be the end. They'll continue playing for another 10-20 minutes. And everyone except me loves it. I'm impatient - I don't want to hear you play the same 5 chords on your guitar while you sway in front of the saxophonist who is in turn just tooting away in front of the drummer who is just banging away with a big smile on his face. I get the feeling that none of them really know what's going on, and so they just keep playing until one of them remembers that they've been playing the same melody for 16 minutes and that maybe they should pick a new song. That's right, DMB - I'm on to you.

It would probably help if I was high.

Kids Are A Lot Of Work

2009-04-07T11:05:00.000-07:00

My friend Anne-Marie was in NYC for a wedding this past weekend. It was great to see Anne-Marie, as she moved back to Dublin a couple years back, and visits are few and far between. Also because she's got 4 kids, and it's hard to travel with 4 kids.

She came by herself this weekend, leaving the kids with her husand. Sunday, we were walking around Manhattan when Tom, Anne-Marie's husband, called. He put the second-oldest, Jack, on the phone, and these were Anne-Marie's exact words to her son: "What did he put up your nose?!" I just thought that was the greatest conversation starter ever, so I laughed and laughed and got a hysterectomy and then laughed some more. Kids be crazy.

New York Comedy Friends and Family and Loved Ones and Acquaintances: I'll be performing Tuesday May 12th at Gotham Comedy Club at 8pm. Industry Showcase - at the very least the two guys who own Gotham will be there, so I need to do well. And of course, I need to bring some people. Will you be those people?

I'm going back to Buffalo this weekend for Easter. My family doesn't actually celebrate Easter, so much as use it as an excuse to go to the Red Lobster. But I'm sure even Jesus would kill for their cheesy bread, so it's cool. Would he also kill for a $5 footlong?

Of course not. That's ignorant.

Piss on Eddie Shore! Piss on Old Time Hockey!!!

2009-04-01T06:55:00.000-07:00

"Slap Shot". Probably my favorite sports movie of all time. If you haven't seen it - you should. Made back in the 70s, when movies were still rife with politically incorrect dialogue and characters. And the three greatest characters from the movie were the Hanson Brothers - three mouth-breathing, bespectacled GOONS who made a mockery of the sport every time they got out on the ice. They were just wonderful.

And now, Dave Hanson's son Christian has signed with the Toronto Maple Leafs!! Which, I dunno - is AWESOME!! Christian is 6'4" and well over 200 lbs., which makes him perfect goon size. So while I'm sure he isn't going to play like his Dad did for the Chiefs (and I'm sure his Dad wasn't that ridiculous in real life), it still has me happier than I should rightly be.

Hanson Brothers!

Really?

2009-03-31T11:23:00.000-07:00

Check it:
http://popwatch.ew.com/popwatch/2009/03/fox-dating-show.html

Apparently FOX has decided to create the reality dating show "for the rest of us". With fat chicks vying for the love of a fat guy. It's called "More to Love".

If you really want to make a reality show "for the rest of us", you should look into something involving Monster Trucks, LARP, make-your-own-sundae bars and Flavor Flav (he remains the greatest by-product of reality TV).

And at the end of every episode, the contestant being eliminated will be shot out of a cannon into a ball pit filled filled with dung beetles. Because ewwww, dung beetles.

How Was Your Weekend?

2009-03-23T10:37:00.000-07:00

Mine started out with a little excitement on Friday night. There I was, watching a movie and minding my own business, when I hear all this commotion in the hallway of my building. It's not uncommon for kids to be running around playing tag throughout the building until some adult pokes their head out of their apartment and starts screaming at them, so I didn't pay any attention. Then I hear sirens approaching outside, and I realize that there is a Fire Truck parked in front of my building. Then my superior brain put the louder-than-usual noises in the hallway together with the presence of fire and police officials, and decided to check it out.

The hall was swarmed with people, and two apartments down from mine, I saw that the front door had been smashed open. Turns out, the people who lived there were cooking dinner when the adults left the apartment for some reason without taking their keys, and they were subsequently locked out by the children they left in the apartment. Or something like that. So the Fire Department had to come smash the door down, because apparently the Super didn't have access? I don't know. But the hallway smelled like burnt chicken for the next 24 hours. Which is less offensive than you'd think, actually. Either that - or I burn the chicken every time I cook it.

So when I mentioned all this to my friend Leigh, she asked if there were any cute Firemen, and if I stepped out of my apartment in a revealing outfit so as to try and seduce said Firemen. (Just like on the TV!!) And while there was a cute Fireman or two, I stepped out of my apartment wearing Spongebob Squarepants boxer shorts and a t-shirt that said "Yankees Suck". Seduction: FAIL.

And then on Saturday I had some people over for my friend Katy's birthday. There was ice cream cake. In fact, there's still ice cream cake - do you want some? It's taking up too much space in my freezer. Where am I going to put all my Pudding Pops come summertime?

I also forced a couple of episodes of "Garth Marenghi's Darkplace" on my guests. After seeing the opening credits, they were powerless to resist it's genius:

Happy St. Paddy's Day!!!

2009-03-17T08:45:00.000-07:00

I'd never noticed this before, but St. Patrick's Day apparently gives my brother and sister and I free reign to call each other every Irish slur/stereotype in the book. Already today I have been offended no less than 7 times by my own flesh and blood, and I assure you that I give as good as I get. Hooray! Nothing says family and respecting your heritage like texting something extremely odorous to a loved one.

The parade has started outside on Fifth Avenue, and I can see some of it from my boss' window. Although you really have to be there to appreciate the sound of the pipes, and the sight of the Irish dancers, and the smell of all the idiot Frat boys who can't hold their booze to begin with, and started drinking Natty Ice extra early this morning. The plus side? These amateurs will all be passed out by the time I head out this evening. More over-sized Guinness hats for me!!!

I know you've seen this, but it's hilarious:

Root Beer Barrels

2009-03-11T14:41:00.000-07:00

They're delicious. And as American as apple pie! They've been around for decades I assume, and everyone from the kids to Grandma and Grandpa can agree - they're the most!!!

Here's another fun fact about Root Beer Barrels that I may or may not have made up: they so completely represent everything that is decent and wholesome about America, that Joseph McCarthy used them as a sort of "Patriot Divining Rod" during the 50s. He would offer a suspected Commie a delectable Root Beer Barrel, and if they refused his generous offer, well Sir, any and all doubts would be gone. And so would the offending person - to jail, or Russia or wherever they sent Communists back then. I didn't really have time to look into it.

I tried to impress all of these tru-isms and more on my friend Sylvia when she rudely rebuffed my offer of a Root Beer Barrel this very American day!! But alas and alack, she left my company sans scrumptious candy.

Next time you see her you should tell her how delicious Root Beer Barrels are. Or - never mind, you won't be able to. Because she'll never work in this town again.

I made some calls.

Oh No

2009-03-06T07:24:00.000-08:00

The truce is off.

I Don't Feel So Great

2009-03-04T13:55:00.000-08:00

I'm back from vacation, and the first person waiting to greet me was a cold. No - that's a lie. I think said cold was with me before I even left Florida, courtesy of my little brother. He spent the last 3 days or so coughing up phlegm and having headaches and being generally disagreeable. I spent those same 3 days mocking him relentlessly. Now I fear that my hubris has proven to be my downfall. Because I feel all achy and shit.

Vacation was wonderful - we relaxed, watched movies, drank alcohol and wandered around my Mom's little beach town. Always a good time. We headed to the airport at West Palm Beach Monday morning around 9:45am to fly back home. Suffice it to say - I landed in at JFK at 9:05pm that night, and my sister and brother arrived in Buffalo at midnight. It was an unspeakably long day - and it's days like that that I always swear that I will not stand for this anymore!!!

In retrospect, it's kind of hilarious. I get so agitated that my flight isn't on time, or that they change my gate, or that the a-hole kid behind me won't stop kicking my chair; that I make loud and outrageous declarations like, "I will burn this place to the GROUND if that guy doesn't get in line like the rest of us" and "I won't fly anymore. This is ridiculous. I will take the train EVERYWHERE. Overseas? I will take a boat. Hell - I'll buy a boat and sail it myself. And I'll sail other people for a minimal fee. And I'll provide sandwiches. Honest to God sandwiches. No, I will not calm down, Shannon! YOU CALM DOWN!! Fine. You just talked yourself out of a spot on my boat. You can swim to Wales for all I care."

So now I am home and I am sick. I have things to do this week, and I fear they may all be cleared off the schedule to make room for laying in bed and whining softly while watching only 80s sitcom reruns and their comfortably predictable 20 minute plotlines. Anyone care to join?

I submitted material to 2 comedy festivals so far this year. One is a lost cause but I wanted to try anyhoo, and the other - we'll see!

Maybe There's Hope After All...

2009-02-20T12:01:00.000-08:00

Anyone who knows me knows that bears are my mortal enemy. I've come to terms with the fact that my death will be at the paws of some monstrous bear - be it at the zoo, while hiking, or at a Chicago football game.

As a result, I don't care for bears. I think they're jerks just biding their time, and I watch that YouTube video of the bear falling on the trampoline often. And I laugh.

If you know me really well, you'll also know that WWII is my favorite war right now. I've read no less than 25 books on different aspects of the War in the past 2 years, and watched any movie/documentary I can find.

So imagine my surprise when I came across this little factual gem. There was a bear named Voytek trained to fight with the Polish during WWII. He hated nazis and enjoyed beer, just like me.

Coincidence? Or a sign that it's time to put aside years of nightmares and give bears another chance?

It's Things Like This That Help Restore My Faith In Humanity

2009-02-20T10:03:00.001-08:00

The fact that someone took the time to add this elaborate graffiti to an otherwise boring crumbling wall, makes me ever so happy. God Bless you, American Hero. Wherever you are.

Didn't I vow to blog a lot more often? Didn't I vow that fairly recently? Well, I hope you've all learned your lesson by now - I am not to be trusted. I'd just as soon steal your wallet as look at ya, and I'd probably buy really asinine things with your money. Like 5 different used copies of "Perfection". And then I'd put all the pieces in, and set the timers on all 5 "Perfections" at once, and then I'd laugh and laugh when the timer went off and all the pieces went everywhere. Then I'd have a sandwich.

I'm on a week-long vacation starting tomorrow morning. Thank. Jebus. I will try and blog while down there - but no promises. My Mom's computer is interminably slow, and she's completely at a loss as to why. "Maybe it's the Solitaire game. Maybe the Solitaire game is using up all the memory. I knew I should have stuck to regular playing cards."

I'll try and get myself into some kind of trouble while down in Florida so I have exciting stories to report upon my return. In the meantime - seriously. Watch "The Wire".

Love you bye.

Meditations on a Sci-Fi Original Channel Movie

2009-02-11T09:12:00.000-08:00

This weekend, the Sci-Fi Channel aired one of its most precious gems of original programming: The movie "Kaw!" It's...awesome.

My friend Ryan was watching it for the first time on Sunday, and the following text message exchange occured:

Ryan: Are you watching "Kaw!" the sci fi movie about attacking crows? We are.

Me: It's one of my favorites. Those crows aren't messing around.

(Later)

Ryan: So Mennonites are sending ravens not crows RAVENS to attack modern people for being uh modern

Me: Duh. I think Dickens wrote basically the same story in "Great Expectations".

(Even later)

Ryan: Mad crows! Now mad crows I mean ravens?

Me: It's science. You can look that shit up.

Still not convinced you should watch it? Please do enjoy the following movie poster (I know, why bother?), then I defy you not to DVR the next showing:

Don't Encourage Him

2009-02-04T08:39:00.000-08:00

Everyone with a talk show, or a radio show or a dog show - STOP inviting Rod "Hairpiece" Blagojevich on to plead his case. Please just stop. This man is being rewarded for being corrupt - it's NOT OK. He's getting all these phone calls and PR offers and there is even talk of a possible book deal. I can't believe this shit - I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. The man is a disgrace to American politics and just an all-around scumbag. Go ahead - look at a picture of him for 5 minutes and see if you don't want tp take a shower afterwards. So please stop turning him into a celebrity. He's a bad man - not someone you want to speak to.

Start talking to the guy who shills for the "ShamWow". I bet he's got stories.

Are You Ready For Some Football?

2009-01-30T11:34:00.000-08:00

Because meh - I couldn't care less. Who's playing again? Is it the Washington Generals vs. the Hartford Whalers? God, how great would that game be? Super great.

So what have you guys been up to? I was in Boston last weekend for my friend Tim's 30th birthday party. (Ah, Boston. One day we will be together....) I got to see a whole mess of my friends from school, which is always fun. Except that every single one of my guy friends seems to be on the road to marriage, or married already. This makes me feel old. And super single. I was like, "Really? The guy who peed in the dresser is going to be engaged before me? I just don't understand life anymore..."

I'm also starting to realize that I may not be as hip as I've always thought. This was made painfully obvious at the bar that Tim's party was at, when every other song that came on made everyone around me squeal or cheer and then start to dance, leaving me to yell to the person next to me, "What is this? I mean WHO is this? Who sings this album? Is it Destiny's Child? Or TLC? Or SWV, aka Sisters with Voices?". When someone told me it was something called "Lady Gaga" I almost smacked their face for lying to mine. I suppose I should get on the Napster and download some songs. The Napster's still around, right?

Anyways - I've been trying to lay a little low since getting back to NYC. There seems to be a cold/flu bug going around that's affecting everyone in the Tri-State area, and I've been freebasing Dayquil and Zicam and various cough medicines for the past 5 days. So far so good - I haven't gotten so sick that I can't get out of bed in the morning. One side effect - I think my mixture of medicines is causing me to hallucinate. Either that, or there really is going to be another "Rambo" movie.

Did I tell you I finished "The Wire" in its entirety? The whole series - gone. Done. And it makes me sad all day. There is a whole in my heart that only an "Arrested Development" movie can fill. So stop being a dick, Michael Cera.

My friend Katy who is super good to me is going to help me put some of my comedy online for people to see and watch. And judge. Mostly for the judging. I'll keep you posted!

My New Favorite Request:

2009-01-23T12:21:00.000-08:00

Is "YOOOO WHY WON'T YOU LET ME BE GREAT!!! "

And it comes courtesy of Kanye West. Who may be the biggest douchebag in the history of history.

Help

2009-01-21T13:11:00.000-08:00

So how do I take a DVD I have of a set I did, and get it onto the interweb, so that I can send the link to people who want to look at my comedy? How do I do that?

Yes yes, I'm an idiot. Have your laugh and then help me. I helped you!

Ricardo Montalban was also the bad guy in "The Naked Gun", remember?

2009-01-16T11:57:00.000-08:00

And he will be missed.

Crazy week, no? Anybody hear about that plane that fell into the Hudson? That happened. Do you know what else happened? A feces-throwing rhesus monkey was loosed on the unsuspecting citizens of Tampa Bay. That's right - everyone got a good scare this week.

Thank you again to everyone who came to my show at Gotham on Tuesday night!!! It ended up being a great show and I was happy with my set. More shows on the horizon - I'll keep you posted.

I want this:
Don't act like it's not the coolest thing you've ever seen. Imagine how much sleeping you could get done while sitting on the train, waiting in line at the DMV, or laying on your bed. This hat goes everywhere!

The Inauguration is right around the corner - wow - that snuck up on us, no? Not that I'm complaining - I wish this day had come 4 years ago.

But I was reminiscing about the Inauguration celebration of 4 years ago all the same today. Because I was given the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to attend an Inaugural Ball! Sure, it was Cheney's Inaugural Ball, and the man is evil incarnate - but my lovely date Zach Toczynski and I both realized that free booze is free booze, and if we're gonna take it from anybody, why wouldn't we take it from Cheney? It was kind of like "destroying the machine from the inside", but much more like "getting drunk for free on the top-shelf shit for once". If I remember correctly, I puked in a Planet Hollywood bathroom that night.

(Sigh) Democracy.

Hallo

2009-01-15T15:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Everyone in New York:

I already pushed the button to call the elevator. You don't have to push it again. See how it's all lit up? Yeah. That's how you can tell.

Love,
Erin

This Makes Me Chuckle

2009-01-09T14:48:00.000-08:00

If you don't know who Ricky Gervais is, then I'm not sure we can remain friends or even acquaintances.

Now! With that unpleasantness out of the way, you should check out Ricky's blog whenever you can because it's hilarious. More to the point, this week he posted a Top Ten movie list written by a friend of his. Well two lists really, as one was the Top Ten Best movies 0f 2008, and one was the Top Ten Worst. Long story short - he pegged "Twilight" as the worst movie of 2008. Which is both a fact and hilarious. But even funnier, what he wrote about it:

1. Twilight -- Dear Fat Girls of America, I know times are tough. I know how it feels to be overweight, and unpopular, to feel that no one really understands you and to wallow away at night, lying in your big bed, snacking and wishing there was an effeminate vampire boy-child to come steal you away and show you how shiny he looks in the sunlight. (I don't). But this is not the answer. I say it again, ma'am: THIS IS NOT THE ANSWER. I know it's too late to stop this train, but let us all agree that the Twilight books make Harry Potter look like Proust.

Awesome.

I'll be at Gotham Comedy Club this Tuesday night at 8pm. Just see if I'm not.

Happy Year of the Ox!

2009-01-05T14:14:00.000-08:00

The holidays are over, so it's time to now embrace the inevitable post-holiday depression. Mine has taken the form of my now long-dead Christmas tree. My tree; standing there in the corner of my living room and shedding countless pounds of needles whenever I touch it, walk past it or look at it for longer than 10 seconds; is a constant reminder that I will be without gingerbread lattes and Christmas songs for the next 11 months. It's proving to be a formidable adversary, as I have yet to figure out how to get it out of my apartment and onto the street corner outside without coating the 5 floors in between points A and B with a carpet of needles.

But I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season and a happy New Year!! My Christmas was great - especially Christmas Eve. My brother and I have our own tradition on Christmas Eve - he makes me dinner, I wrap his presents for him, and then we drink all of the beer at my sister's house before she gets back from Rochester. And then we tell her to clean up the beer bottles, for Godssakes, doesn't she have any respect for her own house? Nice.

While I was home I saw "Slumdog Millionaire". It's amazing. You should go see it.

2009, man! Trying to make some significant changes this year. However, rather than blabbing about them all throughout January only to find myself lying prostrate on the couch February 1st wondering what in the hell I did with the sheet of paper that had my bullsh*t resolutions on it anyway not that it really matters because yes! "Overboard" is on and I haven't seen it in forever so I'll just resolve to watch that now and worry about bettering my life later.

However - one of my resolutions is to submit to every single comedy festival in North America this year. Hell - they can't all turn me down, right? And if they do - then I need to seriously reconsider being involved in comedy.

So, I know of festivals in NYC, Boston, DC, Montreal, Vegas (I think), Seattle and LA. Am I missing any? Did I make any up? Any info on other festivals around the nation this year? If you know of anything, please lemme know!!

2009 - don't be a dick. Seriously.

No There's No Place Like Home For The Holidays...

2008-12-22T13:12:00.000-08:00

I'm leaving NYC tonight for Buffalo. Good old 7-foot snowfall, windchill well below zero, oh my God is that black ice Buffalo. MmmHmmm.

Wishing you and yours a very Merry whatever holiday you're celebrating!!!!

And now for a holiday comparatives lesson:

Snow Day

2008-12-19T13:24:00.000-08:00

It's snowing somethin' terrible here in NYC right now, and still I know it's 75 and balmy compared to what I'll be getting back home in Buffalo for Christmas. Looking forward to the drive.

Last weekend I was back home in DC for the Poonanza 6. As usual, it was awesome to see everyone, and really great to do a show with so many hilarious fellow comics and friends. Also as usual - I returned to work on Monday morning with little to no voice left. I spend a lot of time in DC yammering on about inconsequential or completely random things until 5am. Last weekend? Melissa and I stayed up and waxed philisophical about what the next great plague is going to be. My vote? TB.

I need to continue/finish my Christmas shopping this weekend. Ideas? I welcome any and all suggestions. What are the cool electronic gadgets/gizmos available now? You'll have to tell me, as I'm about 20 years behind the curve when it comes to the newest technology.

And speaking of technology, have you heard of these new microwave ovens? Cook your roast in half the time!! The future is now!!

Odd Requests

2008-12-11T11:12:00.001-08:00

So I just dropped my spare set of keys off with a friend who lives in my neighborhood in Queens. My reason for doing so? I need him to water my Christmas Tree while I'm in DC this weekend.

Yeah, no, I seriously asked a friend to go out of his way and stop by my apt on a Saturday afternoon so that he can water my tree. He seemed a little baffled by the request, asking when I was leaving and when I'd be back. When I made it clear that I would just be gone for the weekend, he blinked a couple of times and said, "Really? Two days? And you need me to water your tree?"

Listen - I love my tree. I know it seems like a singularly absurd request, but what if no one watered it and it died? What if it died?!?! And I came home to a heart-wrenching mess of dead needles and pieces of my shattered Spongebob Squarepants ornaments who weren't properly supported by thick, healthy branches?! What then?!? I rest my case. Plus I offered him some of the cold pizza in my fridge for doing me this favor. I could tell he was intrigued, especially after telling him it was pepperoni. That's A-1 leftover pizza. Suck it, mushroom.

Why am I going to DC this weekend? You know. POONANZA 6!!! The show may already be sold out for 8pm, and as I said before we might be adding a second show at 10:30pm, but no guarantees. So if you still wanna go - but have been resting on your laurels like a Frenchman - call the DC Improv now at (202) 296-7008 and get tickets! Or go to the website! It's http://www.dcimprov.com/! Wooo!

Also - I'll be back at Gotham Comedy Club here in NYC on Tuesday January 13th. More details on that later.

A couple of weeks ago, I was wandering around Midtown with a friend of mine. (Great story! Wait, it gets better!) Around the Madison Square Garden area, there is a massive billboard advertising Bill O'Reilly's show. The billboard has his requisite smug face glaring out at all manner of tourists and hobos; but it also has rankings. The O'Reilly Factor, according to the all-knowing billboard, is the 2nd highest rated cable TV show. Wow! That's pretty good, right? The billboard even had the good sense to list the 1st and 3rd shows, so as to quell any curiosity about the O'Reilly Factor's strongest competition. The rankings are as follows:

1) NFL Football

2.) The O'Reilly Factor

3.) Spongebob Squarepants

Oh man, did that tickle me. NFL Football? OK. Duh. But Spongebob? I find it hilarious that they even listed that on the billboard. Shouldn't Bill & Co. be a little embarassed that they're probably only a few hundred thousand viewers away from being less relevant than a sponge who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Also Squidward.

Gumnut Cottage

2008-12-01T13:03:00.000-08:00

Do you have HBO? If you do, then chances are good you have access to HBO OnDemand. Go on your HBO OnDemand and check out the new show "Summer Heights High". It's faaaaantastic!!

So I'm back in NYC. Though not for lack of effort from Mother Nature and the airline industry. Good God. I was supposed to land at JFK around 9:35pm last night. Instead, I landed at JFK around 1am last night/this morning. And then I got in a taxi line that made me throw up a little bit, it was so long. After about 45 minutes of standing in that line, I finally flagged down one of those shady guys in windbreakers who pace up and down the line telling you they'll take you somewhere right now in their un-marked sedan for an absurd price and a totally gratis sense of unease. That's how tired I was.

But it was worth it. It was a great trip, and my Mom was really happy to have one of her no-good kids with her to celebrate the holiday. And I learned a few things about myself as well:

1.) I can't hear someone say "A1A" without yelling "BEACH FRONT AVENUE" immediately after. This was troublesome, as A1A runs right past my Mom's condo complex, so people were constantly giving directions and telling stories that included that particular road. Oh Vanilla, your grip on my psyche is still as strong as steel.

2.) I have no patience for stories I've already heard once. I'm becoming extremely cantakerous with every passing year. It used to be that I could sit and listen to a rambling story about egg cartons that an aged person has already told 3 times in my presence, just for the sake of being polite. Not anymore. If someone starts in on a familiar anecdote, I have taken to immediately excusing myself and walking away while muttering under my breath. It's pretty rude, yes. But so is assuming that we enjoyed hearing about that time you almost got the speeding ticket from the officer only to realize it was a taxi in your rearview mirror all along hahahahahaha so much that you should tell it no less than seven times.

3.) I am a comedy snob. I have no patience for sh*tty or hackey jokes. And my Thanksgiving dinner was riddled with them, thanks to one guest who made it a point to crank out as many old, tired and just plain awful puns as he could. And every time he would say one, there would be scattered laughter, and maybe one person would clap and sigh, "Good one", and the offending guest would then look to me for affirmation of his craft. After a while I couldn't even fake a smile anymore. When he brought out the gem, "That CPR class wasn't worth what we paid....it was full of dummies!!!", I finally just dropped my eyes to my plate and whispered, "You're killing me."

Anyhoo-any DC peeps who are planning on coming to Poonanza 6 on Saturday December 13th at the DC Improv - there has been a change. Now we will probably only do one show at 8pm, instead of one at 8pm and one at 10:30pm. Which means this show will definitely sell out - so I recommend getting your tickets sooner rather than later if you want to go. If there is a significant deluge of people looking to see the show, we may just go ahead and schedule a second that night. But there are no guarantees. So go to the website or call the Improv directly for your tickets!! I think I put all the contact details in the last blog entry, so I'm not gonna re-post them here. Because I'm too busy (read = lazy).

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!!!!

My Neighborhood is Colorful

2008-11-24T12:20:00.000-08:00

I was walking down the street in my neighborhood on Friday night, and I happened to overhear a snippet of conversation. Here it is, verbatim:

"Johnny, tell them about the 7 years you spent in jail and what your ass looked like afterwards."

Ha! Yikes.

So I'll have everyone know that the Crescent Rolls I took to the pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving on Saturday turned out just fine. So you can relax. And the Thanksgiving dinner was fantastic - we ate a lot and drank a lot and then played board games. Just like a traditional Thanksgiving sans the pesky family interaction. Win/win!

I am flying out to Florida tomorrow night to spend Thanksgiving with my Mom and four of her retired friends from her condo complex. I look forward to many conversations that start with the phrases, "Kids these days...", "I've never been so offended..." and "Did you watch 'Dancing with the Stars' the other night?". Because yeah - old folks love ballroom dancing. And stereotypes.

My Mom told me the other day not to say anything about the election, because a couple of her friends voted for McCain. I was a little taken aback - my manners are polished enough that I won't pick a fight with anyone at the Thanksgiving table over McCain and Palin. However - the second someone says something negative about William Howard Taft, all bets are off.

**SHOW REMINDER**
Anyone in the Washington DC area who wants a great night of entertainment and can't stomach a teen/vampire romance, come out to the DC Improv on Saturday December 13th and see Poonanza 6!!!! Sketch comedy, stand-up comedy and if we're lucky, Larry Poon will perform a song or two. There's a blurb about it here. And you can buy tickets at the DC Improv's site or by calling the club at (202) 296-7008. These shows always sell out, so I'm just warning you to buy sooner than the night of the show. Love you, bye!

Yes We Did

2008-11-20T15:09:00.000-08:00

So we have a new President, everyone! Woooooo! Change! Did you watch Obama's "60 Minutes" interview on Sunday night? Now, I'm not one of those people that believe he's the second coming of Lincoln or anything - but I think it would be difficult to listen to that man speak and not get excited about the future. Is that because we're coming off of 8 years of Bush speeches and interviews that were rife with mispronounciations and factual errors? Maybe. But he's also just a very engaging man. Now we wait and see how he does! No pressure, Barack.

My sister and I were talking about how much pressure there is on Obama to prove himself immediately upon entering office. We are expecting him to fix the economy, end the war, bring about a new era of racial harmony and buy a puppy cute enough to get the nation to really care about puppies again. That's a lot, and I feel for the guy.

Also important and in the news - that "Twilight" movie! F#&% that movie. How old are you?

I will be heading to Florida to spend Thanksgiving with my Mom next week. Nice! But first some friends of mine are having a Thanksgiving of their own this weekend. Everyone is bringing something to add to the meal. I volunteered the crescent rolls. Because I can't possibly screw up crescent rolls, right? I'll also be bringing copious amounts of wine. Because you can't tell if you're eating screwed-up crescent rolls if you're drunk, right?

More soon.

Ugh - Worst Blogger EVER

2008-11-17T15:48:00.000-08:00

I know - I gotta blog. I've been busy, but with boring things like work.

More frequent blogs soon! I promise! I love you.

Election Day Eve

2008-11-03T15:07:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow, no matter who you're voting for, get out there and exercise your civic duty! And then sit back and accept the fact that no one in America will be getting any work done for the rest of the day. Unless you consider refreshing the homepage of msnbc.com every 3 minutes work. And I don't. Which I made very clear on my eHarmony personality profile.

All Hallows' Eve Eve

2008-10-30T14:06:00.000-07:00

Dude - I had a very weird dream last night. I was blind for a little bit, then at a movie premiere for some ridiculous film about dogs that flew planes in World War II, then screaming at an old high school acquaintance for taking my date to the Christmas Dance that was taking place in May, then my Mom was yelling at me for yelling in public, and finally I think I was drowning in taffy.

Thoughts?

Anyhoo - tomorrow night is Halloween. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I'm usually overly excited at the prospect of kids in my building trick-or-treating up and down the floors. This year is no different. I'm a sucker for kids in poorly-constructed constumes, and I'll be overjoyed if I get even two kids wearing sheets at my door. I've got Starbursts! Spread the word!

I went to CVS last night to buy the candy that will most likely sit on my counter for months on end, being offered to guests who have a poor sense of taste and/or smell sometime around Arbor Day. When you walk in the store, there's a huge sign directly in front of you that says, "We will not be selling eggs or whipped cream to minors again until November 1st. CVS - We care about our community". While I appreciate their effort to be a daunting part of the neighborhood watch, there are 435 other stores in the area where lil' hooligans can get eggs and shaving cream. I live 2 blocks away, and I pass no less than 8 delis, grocery stores or pharmacies back to my apartment.

While I was checking out, three youngish Spanish kids were in line behind me. Maybe 10 or 11 years old. They were each holding a costume they picked out, and were screaming at each other in alternating Spanish and English. Most of the argument was about who was going to wear what and, frankly, quite boring. But just as I was turning to leave, one of them hollers in the other's face, "Whatever, puto! Be a ghost! Did you take your Mom's debit card or what?!?!" I don't know why - but I found that hilarious. And I was tempted to offer to buy them all the eggs and shaving cream they could carry.

So it's been a while since I posted. What have I been doing? Well, I went to Cleveland via Buffalo for my cousin's baby shower. Seriously - what's with all the babies this year? Chillax, everyone in my life. I can't take another discussion about bibs that match booties and what butt paste is for. (Oh yeah - there's such a thing.)

I also went back to Buffalo recently with my friend Sylvia. I'm starting to think that maybe I make Buffalo sound like a Third World Nation when I talk about it, because every time a friend comes back to visit, they're shocked at all the modern amenities and stores. We were driving back from the airport, and as Sylvia was looking out the window, I heard her exclamations of disbelief:
"Whoa! Holiday Inn!"
"Oh, you guys have a Linens-N-Things here? You never told me that."
"Shit! Arby's!"

Now I know Buffalo may not be a thriving metropolis, but we do well enough to warrant an Arby's. And don't let anyone tell you different.

I'm trying to decide whether or not to get up at a decent hour on Sunday morning and head out to my old neighborhood to watch the NYC Marathon. It really is an awesome experience - you get to see so many different types of people racing - young and old, professional or in a wheelchair, French or someone who intends to finish the race (snap!), and it's a truly inspirational day. And I know it means a lot to everyone racing by that I'm there to help cheer them on, by yelling and clapping. But not the whole time, because my throat gets sore and I have to take time out to drink my fancy coffees. And have you ever tried to clap your hands for 5 hours straight in November weather? That's hard. No one can fault me if after clapping for a good 17 minutes I need to sit down and moisturize my hand for the next 3 hours. If you think it's easy, I suggest you put your money where your mouth is and cheer for yourself. But you should probably train for at least a year before-hand.

WebMD Is The Worst

2008-10-15T12:52:00.000-07:00

You go on there to look up a something to settle a bet, but then you get distracted: What is that? Are those the symptoms of cholera? Because I have some of those....

2 hours later I'm convinced I'm suffering from fibromyalgia and hysterical pregnancy, and I've decided to finally finalize my will, just in case the pertussis gets the best of me.

Anyway - attention DC fans of sketch and stand-up comedy and my face: Tickets to the Poonanza 6 on December 13th are now on sale at www.dcimprov.com! Or you can just click this link.

There will be an 8:00pm and a 10:30pm show that night, so you have a wealth of choices. (Or just the 2 choices) All 5 previous Poonanzas have sold out - so don't wait to get your tickets. Or do wait - I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I just think you should comb your hair so your bangs aren't hanging in the way of your pretty face.

I Got Nothing

2008-10-10T12:36:00.000-07:00

So instead, enjoy this montage of clips from "Arrested Development":

You Know You've Become An Adult When...

2008-10-06T13:16:00.001-07:00

You get a text from a friend that reads as follows:

"Officially divorced. High motherf**king five."

Ahahaha. Awesome.

Step By Step

2008-10-03T13:43:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not in Rehab. I am referring to a song by the reunited New Kids on the Block! (Or NKOTB as they would like to be called now, since they've grown up and finally embraced their love of acronyms).

As I think I've mentioned before, the NKOTB concert was a present for my sister's birthday this year. We got to the Borgata in Atlantic City on Saturday about an hour before the show started, and right before the doors were opened. The line to get in stretched around for what seemed like miles, and it was composed almost entirely of women ranging in age from late 20s to early 40s. There was a sprinkling of dudes - most of whom either looked tortured and were trying to hide behind their girlfriends, or had brought homemade "I Love Jordan" shirts from home (read: gay). A lot of chicks took the concert to heart as an opportunity to relive the golden era of 1986 - 1992, because...come on. Who wouldn't want to? There were side ponytails and leggings under jean skirts as far as the eye could see.

The opening act was some kid who looked like he drove his Dad's Hummer straight from the Jersey Shore to the show. The bad tan, the huge diamond earring, the dark hair rendered immobile by the unholy amount of gel in it, and of course the requisite button down shirt opened completely to reveal the wife beater underneath. Needless to say, I hated everything about him.

But when NKOTB took the stage, it was like the plot of a bad Disney movie (except without the involvement of Tim Allen or Judge Reinhold) - all of a sudden every girl in the room regressed to the age they were 20 years ago, the screaming began, and I proceeded to have one of the best times at a concert that I have ever had in my entire life.

The rest of the evening is a blur of alcohol and euphoria - though occasional events seem a little clearer. I do remember talking to a very disgusted casino employee who was selling t-shirts at the show and questioning why women would even like "a bunch of queers" like the New Kids, and lamenting the fact that no woman seemed to care that he had his own motorcycle. I cared very much that he looked like Argus Filch from the Harry Potter movies:

More soon.

Only in America

2008-09-24T13:48:00.000-07:00

SOUTH CHARLESTON, W.Va. (WSAZ) -- As if getting a DUI wasn’t enough, a man arrested for driving under the influence got in a lot more trouble at the police station. Police stopped Jose Cruz on Route 60 in South Charleston Monday night for driving with his headlights off. Then, he failed sobriety tests and was arrested. When police were trying to get fingerprints, police say Cruz moved closer to the officer and passed gas on him. The investigating officer remarked in the criminal complaint that the odor was very strong. Cruz is now charged with battery on a police officer, as well as DUI and obstruction.

'The Wire' Is Really Good And You Should Watch It

2008-09-22T11:06:00.000-07:00

I was out in Long Island this weekend visiting my friend Katy. Katy has a gang of ducks that waddles through her back and front yards at all times. And everytime I saw them, I had the overwhelming urge to run at them kicking wildly. I was surprised to find out that I guess I hate ducks.

I guess I also hate Los Angeles. While talking with a friend yesterday, Los Angeles was brought up for whatever reason. And my immediate and venomous response was, "Piss on Los Angeles." Whoa - where did that come from? I've never even been to LA. It's amazing what you can learn about yourself in the most random situations.

Enough about hate. What do I love? Autumn. Today is the first day of autumn! It's time to start planning your hay rides and apple picking trips and leaf-burning bonfires. Is that illegal? To rake up your entire backyard of leaves and then set them on fire? Because we used to do it every fall back in Buffalo. My sister and I would rake all the leaves into a huge pile, and then we'd jump on the pile, and then we'd rake them back into the pile, and hide one of our rakes at the bottom of the pile, and then tell our little brother to jump on the pile, and then tell our Mom that "it was an accident" and that "we didn't tell him to jump in headfirst, ya know!" when our brother would run screaming into the house. Also there was cider!!

Show listings round the New York way soon! But for all my loyal DC fans (stop laughing) I actually will be back down for a show in December!!

Poonanza!!!! Saturday December 13th at the DC Improv Lounge. (It's the smaller room at the Club) For those of you who don't know Larry Poon for some unholy reason, acquaint yourselves here. The Poonanza is a variety show hosted by that entertainment dynamo, and there will be stand-up, sketches, and something offensive in the eyes of the Lord, I'm sure. So come on dooooown! There will be 2 shows that night - I don't know the times but I'm assuming 8-something and 10-something. I will pass along more details as I get them. Hope to see some of you there!!!

7 Years On...

2008-09-11T10:51:00.000-07:00

And I personally feel like September 11th happened a lifetime ago. No matter how many years pass however, this is a day that should always bring with it a humbling sense of reverence and reflection. And those who were lost should never be forgotten.

So - now onto the nonsense I usually write.

Jay Leno pointed something out to guest Michael Phelps on his show Monday night - something spectacular:

Phelps got a kick out of Leno's gold-medal count chart. "If you were a country," Leno told Phelps, "you would be the 9th-ranked country in the world. You beat France!"

Oh snap. Le snap. One of our athletes got more gold medals than the entire country of France. It's so good. So good that I don't even need to say anything. Let's all just enjoy the moment.

The other night I was out with my friend Katy, when the conversation turned to Stalin. Which is perfectly normal, I'm sure. We were trying to figure out the number of people who were murdered under his regime, so we could compare his numbers with Hitler (making it easier to declare one of them "Supreme Monstrous Asshole of All Creation" or something of the sort.)

So Katy googles "Stalin" and "murder count" on her blackberry. And one of the first things that comes up, is a paper titled "The Appaling Strangeness - Stalin the Scamp". Never in my life have I found a misused word so utterly offensive. Scamp? You're gonna call Joseph Stalin a scamp?!?! Scamps steal apples from apple carts, they aren't responsible for the deaths of tens of millions of people. Idiot.

Finally - Obama wasn't calling Palin a pig, for Godssakes. It's a common expression, like "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" or "douche chill".

Election Fever - Kind Of Like Olympic Fever, Except No One Really Wins

2008-09-04T11:12:00.000-07:00

Alright - did everyone watch Palin's speech last night? Seems Sarah Palin has injected some much needed energy and excitement into McCain's bid for President. And I must say - after watching her speech last night, I don't hate her. I'm interested in learning more about what exactly she's done while in office - but my initial reaction was a positive one.

I had a much less positive reaction to the convention attendees in general. Every time the camera panned the crowd, all you saw were older white guys and older white ladies in their suits and pearls respectively. And the occasional younger woman wearing a cowboy hat with "McCain/Palin" painted all over her face. Come on Republicans! Fight the stereotype! Most people are of the opinion that the Republican party is populated solely by rich white folks and crazy middle Americans. It's not the truth - I know plenty of young Republicans that are black, or gay, or some other representation of the minority. Wouldn't you want to emphasize that group of people? Well you should. Because as I've mentioned before - not all Republicans are evil gun-toting pro-life maniacs. But you're really not helping your party's case when that's all you've bussed in for the Convention. Especially after the DNC, which was like a rock concert without the backstage antics. (As far as I know....)

Finally - I really want to destroy the Electoral College. I mean really. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to tout the merits and necessities of voting to people with the Electoral College looming in the back of my mind. I know a shocking and obscene number of people who are not registered to vote. And it's hard to try and guilt them into their civic duty when, in all actuality, the popular vote does not decide the election. Why is this still the case? How, in 2008, is the decision still left up to Congress and not the people? I may be sounding like a hippie right now - but really. Why shouldn't each individual American vote be counted? It's ludicrous.

Maybe I should start an online petition about it. Would you sign it? And for that matter - would you sign an additional petition insisting E! immediately cancel every single one of their "celebrity" reality shows? Because I might hate the Kardashians even more than I hate the Electoral College.