That was the title of this story out of Tennessee. And I don't pretend to know everything about comedy, but that is the single greatest headline I've ever read in my entire life. Also, the little boy was wearing a neighbor's Christmas dress. Awesome. Also, this is a picture of him: I know, man - the holidays, amirite? Sometimes you just need a beer and some cross-dressing to try and unwind from it all.
So my friend Ryan called me at work today to ask my opinion on something he wrote. Ryan and I have been friends for years, and have a few nonsensical jokes that we call back at random times, like "French Fries".
This is my side of the conversation from today, which anyone walking past my cubicle could have overheard:
"What's up French Fries?.....You want me to pick one?.....The morning-after pill.....Yeah, no question. OK, Bye."
Once a week, I participate in a program where I go to an NYC public school and read with a student. It's a great thing - you get to foster a desire to read in a young kid and be a sort of mentor to them at the same time. Plus, it's an excuse to read all the books you loved as a kid again. I have been pushing "Pippi Longstocking" and "Bunnicula" on my buddy for quite some time. READ WHAT I READ!!!
Today I showed up in the classroom where we read, and there was a list on an easel left from the class before. The list was of famous people, and they were: Barack Obama, Hilary Clinton, Helen Keller, Adolf Hitler and Martin Luther King, Jr.
Ummmm.....what? "One of these things is not like the other, one of these things is not the same...."
So last week I realized I was tired of sitting around just waiting to experience the very real joy of the H1N1 Virus (Swine Flu to those of you still convinced that pigs are the next "Outbreak" monkey). So I went ahead and got H1N1. And it was marvelous. What have you been up to? Typhoid? That's ridiculous. No one care about typhoid.
Being home sick affords so many opportunities that I never take advantage of. I could catch up on reading, or my Netflix queue, or my various ransom notes. But instead, I spend 3 days breathing shallowly and watching reruns of "Fresh Prince". There's something strangely comforting about Carlton getting bitch-slapped by Will at the end of a tidy 30 minutes. Oh Carlton! The blazers! They're awful!!
My recovery has been rather fortuitously timed, as I fly down to Florida tomorrow to spend Thanksgiving with my Mom. More frequent blogs when I return. I promise, T.T.
Halloween is around the corner, and as usual I am scrambling for costume ideas at the last minute. I've been thinking nonstop, and just recently told someone, "Where do you shop? That would be a perfect costume!!!" Which, not surprisingly, they took as an insult. It was actually a compliment, as the character I was thinking of always dressed well. However since this person couldn't read my mind, she was offended and I was left to sputter after her, "Except...noooo! That's soooo good! It's a good thing, not like if I wanted to dress like a Catholic School whore or anything!! Because then you know who'd I'd be asking for clothes ideas! Ha! Right? Am I right??? Because she's a skank!!!"
These are not things I'd recommend yelling after someone who is walking away from you. It makes you look odd.
I survived my wisdom tooth extraction, so everyone can breathe easy. But good gravy, you really cannot be prepared for how unpleasant that experience is. It's been a week and I'm still terrified of solid foods and straws. Dry sockets! Dry sockets are worse than murder! Worse than MURDER!!!
What are you doing this long weekend? Are you apple picking upstate? Oh no - that's me. Want me to get you a pumpkin? Or one of those asshole gourds that people give as terrible presents for some reason? God, those things are just awful. Look at 'em: Seriously, gourds. Thanks for showing up.
